Wednesday, June 11, 2014

NRA/Disney Announce Unlikely Partnership with Mickey's Mass-Shooting Sweepstakes


In the wake of one mass-shooting after the next, and with no sign of congressional legislation anywhere in sight, Disney and the NRA, two very unlikely partners, have decided to join forces to capitalize on what is now a weekly occurrence.

"While we, as people, are obviously saddened by the senseless loss of life that occurs as a direct result one of these tragic events, as a company, we are in the business of turning a profit. And the opportunity to seize upon what seems to be a growing American phenomenon, should not go unexploited," says Randy Post, Disney's Chief Marketing Officer.

"The NRA is an organization made up of families just like you and me. Our members and their kids love Mickey Mouse almost as much as carrying a fully-loaded AK-47 into a maternity ward. Considering the random nature of these attacks, and the potential to raise awareness for our latest campaign - the Importance of Arming Children in Schools - we see it as a win-win," states NRA Chairman, Madeleine Freeman.

According to the joint press release, after a simple online registration, the nearly 5 million members of the NRA will have the opportunity to try and predict where the next mass-shooting will occur. Only one guess per week, per member, is allowed.

Winners will receive free tickets to Disney premieres, discounts on travel and accommodations, and V.I.P. admission to Disney's newest attraction Mickey Goes Mental - a new ride in which park goers, armed with laser tag guns, try to stop an over-worked/under-paid Mickey from going ballistic and shooting everyone in the park. The controversial exhibit is scheduled to open at Disney World, October, 2014.

Monday, April 28, 2014

NFL Cheerleaders Need to Get a Clue


I'm as much against sexual discrimination -- or any kind of discrimination for that matter -- as the next guy. But, when news surfaced that Buffalo Bills cheerleader "Alyssa U." and her co-workers are suing the organization for "sexual objectification," the only thing I could think was, "WTF?!" Are they serious?

Let's be real here, folks; A cheerleader suing a football team for sexual objectification is like a comedian suing a comedy club for expecting laughs.

Newsflash, sweetie: You're a C-h-e-e-r-l-e-a-d-e-r. You get paid to look good. And, guess what? In order to be considered good-looking, your looks have to play a big part. I mean, what did you expect? To be picked for the squad, then be able to binge on Oreo's and Krispy Kreme's and still have a job? If you're that upset about the fact that you get judged on how well-toned parts of your body are, perhaps cheerleading is the wrong field for you?

If you choose to spend your days jumping around in skin tight outfits, being ogled at by thousands of fans, hanging out around professional athletes, and being on T.V. and on a million guys' screensavers, then a "Jiggle Test" is par for the course, hun.

And, call me crazy, but I think a straight-forward, sterile evaluation of your looks on a spreadsheet is much more beneficial for everyone involved. Imagine the uncomfortable conversation a squad leader would have to have with each girl as she delicately tries to hint at the fact that her under arms swish around like a lava lamp? This way, it's completely clear and to the point, with no emotion or personal b.s. getting in the way.

Personally, if I was you, in this line of work, I'd consider an I.Q. test to be discriminatory. As it has nothing to do with how well you can do your job.

Had these girls come forward with stories of Jiggle Tests from the halls of IBM or Microsoft, then they'd have something. If they accused their bosses of turning the workplace into a scene right out of MadMen, with fifty "Don Drapers" in each dept. demanding they jump around their offices in order to keep their receptionist jobs, then they'd have my full support.

And, let's not even talk about the allegations of the demeaning treatment at "Golf Outings," as anyone who's ever been to a high profile, expensive golf event knows, there's booze tents at every hole - each of which is staffed by pretty girls in tight shorts trying to get you to buy their company's alcohol. And with a couple of hundred intoxicated, rowdy guys and their buddies regressing back to high school behavior, it's a miracle no liquor girl has ever reported being thrown in the back of a golf cart and driven into the woods.

Obviously, no one is condoning rude, obnoxious, or illegal behavior, but if, on your resume, you list "hot chick" as a previous position, then you should know exactly what to expect. If you don't believe me, call any stand-up comic and ask them about the "Giggle Test."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Did Hoboken's Mayor Zimmer Hold Back Christie Allegations Due to Upcoming Election?


Due to the impeccable timing of Hoboken's mayor, Dawn Zimmer, coming forward with allegations of political extortion against an already embattled gov. Christie, her integrity is now under scrutiny by state and local republicans alike. But, her motives are also being questioned by fellow democrats. Like Hoboken councilwoman Beth Mason, who, while losing to Zimmer in two previous elections, does seem to have a point.

I'll be the first to admit I'm no fan of Mayor Zimmer. While she may have built a few more parks, the streets of Hoboken are arguably some of the worst in the country (imagine driving your car on the moon), the tow trucks and traffic cops patrol the streets 24/7 like the bureaucratic Walking Dead, and there's so much construction going on all around you, day-in-day-out, it's like living in post-war Iraq.

Having said that, I, personally, have no issue with the mayor's credibility as to whether she's telling the truth or not. I, for one, think she is. However, it can't be ignored that the reason she kept her mouth shut for the better part of last year was most likely due to the upcoming election.

Is there any other plausible explanation as to why someone apparently so dedicated to "truth and justice" waited almost a year to go public with a story about political bullying? Especially during a time when the entire nation was grieving for her town? If she had come forward last May, the entire world would have probably embraced her. But, that didn't happen. Instead, she kept the alleged threats to herself and said nothing, apparently letting everyone in town think we were getting all the aid we needed with little, if any, resistance.

To me, the only unbelievable part of her story is that she feared no one would believe her. Hogwash.

Mayor Zimmer is no political rookie. She knows exactly what she's doing. To the point, it's been contended by many residents up on local politics that the only reason Tim Occhipinti entered the 2013 mayoral race late - completely aware of the fact he had virtually no chance of winning - was at the behest of a Zimmer loyalist who allegedly promised favors in exchange for Occhipinti's "watering-down" of the votes for her biggest opponent, Ruben Ramos.

Whether or not that's true at this point is history. But it does give one pause to think if the mayor, who, on the outside claims she's committed to doing what's best for her city, in fact, did hold back from exposing the governor for her own political gain, she would be guilty of a diabolically negligent move, equivalent to a Katrina-sized cover-up. And, if you think about it, if the traffic scandal didn't come out, when, exactly, was she planning on coming forward?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Bridget Too Far: Gov. Christie's "Bridgewatergate" Scandal Reveals Actual Traffic Study




Emails released through subpoena today by New Jersey Assembly Deputy Speaker and Transportation Committee Chair John Wisniewski prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the top aide in Gov. Christie's administration, Bridget Anne Kelly conspired w/ now ousted Port Authority exec. David Wildstein to intentionally screw the city, the commuters and the mayor of Fort Lee - Democrat Mark Sokolich - for his refusal to support Gov. Christie in his reelection campaign.

However, the interesting thing here, is that emails have also surfaced proving there indeed was a traffic study going on.

Wildstein said the study being conducted at the time was "...to see exactly what it would take for a suburban mother of three to exit her minivan, ignore the welfare of her children, and put her fist through the windshield of the car in front of her. That was wrong of us but it was purely in the name of science."

Further details show the study was monitoring the overall effects of traffic on the human psyche. Turns out, people don't like it.

During the hearings in Trenton this week, Mayor Sokolich, wearing a wire, apparently taped two older gentlemen in the men's room discussing the situation. Their conversation was released to the Huffington Post exclusively:

MAN #1: "Pay up, Mortimer I've won the bet."

MAN #2: "Here. One Dollar."

MAN #1: "We took a megalomaniacal, bullying would-be presidential candidate and turned him into a back-tracking, double-talking hypocrite, and, at the same time, we took honest, hard-working commuters and turned them into violently deranged would-be killers. By the way, where is Beaks?"

Unknown to most following this shocking scandal, is that statistics also show that during the 5-day traffic nightmare, online gambling in the Fort Lee area shot up 1000%.

The situation has caused such an uproar, working-man's musician John Mellencamp is reportedly working a single to raise money for the victims of Fort Lee.

"The Port Authority Song" is scheduled for release Feb. 15.

Lyrics include: "I fight Port Authority, Port Authority always wins. When I fight Port Authority, Port Authority always wins."

If nothing else, at least the discovery of these emails will finally allow the N.J. State Assembly to get to the "Big" bottom of this.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Daily Show - Racist Irish Tweet Chat w/ Jessica Williams


Racist Tweet Link

CHAT SAMPLE: TEA PARTY LEADER’S RACIST TWEET CHAT W/ JESSICA WILLIAMS


{***JON***}
FOR MORE WE'RE JOINED BY IRISH-AMERICAN HISTORY EXPERT JESSICA WILLIAMS. WELCOME JESSICA.

{***JESSICA***}
THANKS JON. AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL, I’M NOT TOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

{***JON***}
I CAN’T IMAGINE. THAT WOMAN’S TWEET WAS SO OFFENSIVE. WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING RIGHT NOW IS… INDESCRIBABLE.

{***JESSICA***}
THE FACT THAT SOMEONE WOULD COME OUT AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC -ESPECIALLY A PROMINENT MEMBER OF A POLITICAL PARTY- AND MISREPRESENT AN ENTIRE PEOPLE’S SET OF BELIEFS IS DISAPPOINTING TO SAY THE LEAST. AS AN IRISH-AMERICAN, I IN NO WAY CONDONE WHAT SHE SAID.

{***JON***}
UH, IRISH?

{***JESSICA***}
YES, JON. FULL BLOODED IRISH. BIG FAN OF THE SOAP, ST. PATRICK’S DAY, LEPRECHAUNS. ANYWAY, I’D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE TO THINK TH-

{***JON***}
-I’M SORRY, JESSICA.

{***JESSICA***}
YES, JON?

{***JON***}
I JUST HAVE TO ASK. HOW DID SOMEONE LIKE YOURSELF END UP… IRISH?


{***JESSICA***}
OH! (LAUGHS) YOU MEAN BECAUSE OF MY BROWN EYES? MY GRANDFATHER ON MY MOTHER’S SIDE COMES FROM BELFAST AND HAS THE DEEPEST, DARKEST EYES YOU’VE EVER SEEN! ANYWAY –

{***JON***}
UH, JESSICA?

{***JESSICA***} (GETTING MAD) YESSS, JON???

{***JON***} (CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE) I GATHER THEN, THAT YOU’RE, UH, “BLACK” IRISH?

{***JESSICA***}
WE PREFER “MAGICALLY DELICIOUS AMERICANS.”

{***JON***}
COME ON. YOU’RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

{***JESSICA***}
I’M WHAT?

{***JON***}
– NEVERMIND. ANYWAY, I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOUR EYES.

{***JESSICA***}
YOU WEREN’T?

{***JON***}
NO.

{***JESSICA***}
THEN, WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO JON?

{***JON***}
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE AN EXPERT ON IRISH AMERICAN HISTORY. I’M SORRY, BUT THAT’S JUST BIZARRE.

{***JESSICA***}
WHY IS THAT BIZARRE, JON?

{***JON***}
WELL, IT’S NOT EVERYDAY YOU-

{***JESSICA***}
YES?

{***JON***}
IT’S NOT EVERYDAY YOU SEE A… A…

{***JESSICA***}
A WHAT? GO AHEAD AND SAY IT, ALREADY, JON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

{***JON***}
I-

{***JESSICA***}
-IT’S NOT EVERYDAY YOU SEE A WOMAN WITH A DEGREE IN IRISH AMERICAN HISTORY?! IS THAT IT?! THAT’S IT, ISN’T IT, JON?!

{***JON***}
WHAT?! I –

{***JESSICA***}
IT’S OKAY. YOU CAN ADMIT IT. MY JOURNALISTIC PROWESS INTIMDATES YOU BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN.

{***JON***}
WAIT A-

{***JESSICA***}
YOU KNOW, JON, WAY BACK WHEN I FIRST TOOK THIS JOB, I HEARD RUMORS ABOUT YOUR CAVALIER ATTITUDE TOWARDS THE FEMALES ON THE SHOW. YOUR LATE NIGHT “INTERN PARTIES,” YOUR CHAUVANISTIC BEHAVIOR AND OPINIONS. YOU THINK JOHN OLIVER LEFT TO DO “COMMUNITY”? HA! THAT’S WHAT HE WANTED YOU TO THINK. TRUTH IS, HE LEFT IN PROTEST TO YOUR TREATMENT OF WOMEN! (TAKES A SWIG FROM A FLASK)

{***JON***}
WHAT?! WAIT A MINUTE WHAT WAS THAT?

{***JESSICA***}
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF HUH? (TAUNTING) DO I MAKE YOU NERVOUS, JON?

{***JON***}
(NERVOUS) OF COURSE NOT. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS?

{***JESSICA***}
I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED ONE DAY A WOMAN MAY BE SITTING WHERE YOU SIT. MAYBE A PROUD IRISH WOMAN –WHOSE ANCESTORS STRUGGLED FROM THE DEPTHS OF IRISH SLAVERY, LONG BEFORE THE BLACKS CAME ALONG, WITH THE HOPE THAT MAYBE, ONE DAY, WE WOULD BE TREATED EQUALLY. AND, 550 YEARS LATER, HAVE WE EVER SAID A WORD IN PROTEST AS TO THE ATROCITIES COMMITTED AGAINST US? (TAKES A SWIG)

{***JON***}
ATROCITIES?! WHAT ATROCITIES? ARE YOU CARRYING A FLASK?

{***JESSICA***}
HOW QUICKLY WE FORGET. DID YOU KNOW OKLAHOMA WAS ORIGINALLY SETTLED BY THE IRISH.

{***JON***}
IT WAS?

{***JESSICA***}
THAT’S RIGHT. DID YOU KNOW UP UNTIL 1950 IT WAS SPELLED LIKE THIS: (OS: “O’ KLAHOMA) BUT IT WAS TOO IRISH-LOOKING SO THEY CHANGED IT.

{***JON***}
WOW.

{***JESSICA***}
IT’S CALLED EDUCATION, JON TRY IT SOME TIME. AND THE BIGGEST FAST FOOD CHAIN IN THE WORLD … (OS: “MICK O’ DONALDS”) THAT’S HOW IT STARTED. AND WHO CAN FORGET THE DEGREDATION AND HUMILIATION OF OUR WORST NATIONAL TRAGEDY, THE IRISH POTATO FAMINE. YOUR PEOPLE TOOK IT AND MADE IT A LAUGHING STOCK.

(OS: MR POTATO HEAD)

{***JON***}
I’M SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA. I LOVE MR. POTATO HEAD.

{***JESSICA***}
EXACTLY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF WE HAD “MR. HOLOCAUST HEAD” IN IRELAND?

{***JON***}
POINT TAKEN.

{***JESSICA***}
YOU DISGUST ME, JON. I NEED A GUINNESS. (DROPS MIC AND EXITS)

{***JON***}
UH, THANK YOU JESSICA. JESSICA WILLIAMS, EVERYONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Fort Hood Shooter Had Access to $8k/mo. Trailer. Apparently, Our Gov't. Has Never Heard of The Internet


According to the New York Times, the U.S. government, A.K.A. "the taxpayers," paid approximately $8,000.00 a month to rent a trailer for Fort Hood shooter, Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, from which, he supposedly worked on his defense. This minor detail, which took up less than a sentence in The Times' front-page report covering Maj. Hasan's conviction, was the one thing that stood out to me like an 8-track player in an Apple Store. After seeing that figure, my eyes continued to glance over the rest of the story, which mentioned a slew of other tidbits, such as the participants, length of deliberation, the possibility of the death penalty, etc., but I retained nothing -as my brain kept repeating -over and over- "Eight thousand dollars??? A month?!!!" I don't know about you, but when I think of a "trailer," my mind conjures up images of a cramped 4-walled, cinder-block wheeled enclosure that stands next to an elementary school, or the D.M.V., and could surely be had for at least half that? No doubt, this particular trailer must have been the lavish, gold-plated, Crime-o-luxe model, complete with thousand-dollar waste baskets and antique umbrella stands. Or maybe, it was modeled after the Urban Assualt Vehicle Bill Murray and co. used in the movie Stripes? In reality, the items which apparently pushed the price tag to hit the $8k figure were a laptop and some law books. No wonder. Obviously, the Army has never heard of Google, as in literally ten seconds, I found a website that offered mobile trailers for $2k/mo. That's 400% cheaper than what the Army paid. But, I guess that's the one thing they're good at. Our government makes guys like Dennis Kozlowski and John Thain look like misers. And, don't give me that b.s. about 'reinforced steel' or a 'super-max' trailer to protect this loser. After what he did, then proudly admitted at every opportunity, they should've put him in a trailer made of Swiss cheese. Keep in mind, this is coming in the wake of the outcry after it was publicized the Army was still paying the self-professed mass-murderer to the tune of $300k. I've seen ads that say the Army will help pay your rent after serving only two years, which is perfect for me. As, there's a 3-bedroom penthouse in Tribeca I've got my eye on which won't be completed until 2015. To read about other extravagantly frustrating expenses for Maj. Hasan we footed the bill for, such as daily helicopter rides, click here!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Brooklyn Half-Marathon: A Test of Patience and Endurance for All Involved


It was supposed to be a day of triumph. Of celebration. Of families lining the streets of Brooklyn to wave to and cheer their family members, friends, neighbors, etc., as they attempted to accomplish a truly difficult feat: running 13 miles in three hours. The Brooklyn Half-Marathon.

My sister Stephanie, a 41-years-young Ph.D. and mother of two, who is prepping for a go at the "Big One" in November, was one of the brave ones.

Leaving my apartment in Hoboken at 8 a.m., the plan was to head to Coney Island and meet up with the rest of my family, where we're going to cheer my crazy sister on as she crossed the finish line.

That was our plan. Unbeknownst to me, the city had plans of its own.

Coming off the BQE, I merge onto the Prospect Expressway. I couldn't have gone more than half a mile when life as I knew it came to a DEAD STOP.

It's definitely not a good sign when 20 minutes pass and you realize you're still sitting in the exact spot you stopped in. It's now 8:45 and I decide to call my bro-in-law, Michael, and let him know something's amiss. It's at this point he tells me the city has apparently closed the Prospect Expressway due to the marathon.

My first thought is, "Holy Shit." My next is, "WTF, Mr. Mayor??!!"

It seems the city has apparently decided to close 95 percent of a major Brooklyn thoroughfare while still leaving the first 5 percent open, so unsuspecting motorists can drift helplessly into the Death Star's gravitational pull, and be left there to rot for the better part of the next two hours.

You want to talk about an unbelievable lapse in judgement? How about the guy at the D.O.T. whose job it was to close the expressway and who, when asked by a co-worker if they should put a sign on the BQE to alert approaching motorists of the trouble dead ahead, went, "Nah."

Where else but in New York would you find a highway completely closed, except for the on-ramp?

They can take 100 barrels and mark off five miles of interstate for one guy with a jackhammer, but when they decide to close an entire stretch of highway, not one of these rocket scientists has the presence of mind to grab a Magic Marker and post a sign?!

I called the D.O.T.'s press office and was greeted by a man who obviously spent the better part of his adult life drinking Night Train. According to him, traffic was moving fine, and if I wanted to speak to someone more important than he, I was to give him my number so he could "email it" to the relevant department. Even in my moment of despair, the irony of a municipal office having to communicate with each other by carrier pigeon was not lost.

I then phoned WCBS (880am) and tried to remain calm. It didn't work, as a minute later, over the air, I hear:

Well, there seem to be some very aggravated drivers on the Prospect Expressway this morning. It's apparently closed in both directions due to the Marathon. Thanks to David for the tip.

Having now sat in the same place for an hour and a half, I'm about to abandon the vehicle when, low and behold, the cars in front of me start moving.

It takes about another half hour to exit. It's now 10:30 a.m. It's taken me two hours to go a quarter of a mile. The worst part is, all of this utter nonsense could have been avoided with just a simple sign.

The streets look like the automotive version of The Walking Dead; hundreds of vehicles desperate to avoid additional delays looking for a clear street to freedom.

When I finally get to the boardwalk, I go to call Michael and share the joy: Nothing. Okay, try again. Nothing. Try again. Dropped. What in the heck is going on now?

I try my mom. Once. Twice. Thrice. No dice. I'll just text them. Guess not. Okay, now I'm getting pissed. I spend the better part of the last two hours sitting on a closed highway and now Verizon is playing f'n games? Double parked, I put my hazards on and walk straight into the mob. I walk up and down each street trying to make a call. It's useless.

Some guy approaches me and asks to use my phone. I turn and look around me... there are hundreds of us. Now, literally, The Talking Dead, looking for our lost family members in the throngs of runners and by-standers, all with no means of communication.

I spot two cops standing by the Nathan's and ask to use one of their cells. "Ours don't work either. Cell signal is really bad out here. Wait a bit and try later."

"Try later?" I've now been standing here for half an hour! And the sunny 70 degree day we were supposed to have has turned into a blustery 50 degree one. And now, it starts to rain. I feel like Dan Aykroyd in the Santa suit in Trading Places. I figure, any moment now, a dog's going to pee on my leg.

After about an hour standing in the freezing wind and rain, a text comes through from Michael;

Are you here? he asks, nonchalantly.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU???!!! I calmly reply.

Apparently, he and my mother have had quite the time themselves. They got off at the wrong subway stop and had to lift the babies and their strollers up a few massive staircases, only to find themselves trapped on all sides by a huge apartment complex. Had it not been for the kindness of a neighbor, who let them through a locked gate, they would have had a half-mile walk to cross the street. As it was, they ended up missing my sister at the finish line and spent the last half hour trying to find her.

Upon finally finding each other, it turns out Stephanie, whose phone didn't work, either, asked a guy in a "Counter-Terrorism" T-shirt what was going on. "They shut down all cell phones in the area," he replied. "Everywhere??" she asked. "Yup."

No announcement. No warning. No notice of this minor issue to the runners in the bag of instructions each entrant is given before the race. And, judging by the response of the two cops, the police weren't told either. They just shut 'em down, leaving thousands wandering aimlessly in the rain, trying to find their friends and family.

If you're going to shut off phone service to half a borough at the time of a major event, how about a slip of paper, or a radio announcement, alerting people of the changes?

In an instant, the highway closing without a sign became amateur hour.

Is this a sign of things to come? Thousands of people at sporting events in big cities nationwide are now to be subjected to the same random acts of disruption and government-caused chaos as the T.S.A.?

Are we now all to be punished at every public gathering from now until the end of time for the acts of two misguided idiots in Boston? I'm surprised they didn't make the runners take their shoes off before approaching the finish line.

In the end, a pathetic and total failure by all parties involved in organizing this disaster of a day.

When I finally calmed down, I said to my sister; "I don't care if you go on to be the first woman to walk on Mars. If you land in the waters off Coney Island, I'm watching it on T.V."

I can't wait for November.