Divided We're Falling; And, I'm part of the problem

If there was anything good to come out of the tragedy of 9/11, it was the instantaneous connection that was born out of all us being victims, of all of us being targeted for our way of life, that seemed to bring each and every one of us together. Republicans. Democrats. Didn't matter. We were all the same. We were all Americans.

In the days, weeks, and even months following the attacks, there was a unity among us the likes of which - unless you were alive at the end of the second world war -most of us had never experienced, and, sadly, given the path we're currently on, may never see again.

I can vividly remember, in late 2001, walking out my building on 110th st. and Broadway and feeling completely bewildered, as total strangers said, "Hi," to each other as they passed on the street like it was Mayberry. People who knew each other for all of five seconds held conversations in bars as if they'd been going there together for years. Here we all were - so different and so far apart, yet, so close for such a brief moment in time - it felt like we could've all burst out in spontaneous song.

So much for nostalgia. The Kool-Aid we apparently drank has long run dry and has been replaced by the considerably less-palatable, castor oil. These days, you can't make it home from the market without hearing at least one passing stranger yell, "Douchebag!"

I don't know about you, but, between the trash-talking reality shows, the trash-talking media, and the three-ring circus that has become our political system, it certainly feels like we're collectively ready to embrace our inevitable fate; that of complete, moral dissolution. We seem to have adopted the mindset of a hundred million plus Slim Pickens'; all strapped to our A-bombs and giddily waving, as we helplessly watch what's left of our decency and respect for each other plunge toward earth, and their certain demise.

What happened to us? How did we fall so far so fast? Was it that we were always this way, and it took a tragedy like 9/11 to shock us into coming together for a few weeks? Or, is this simply the worst it's ever been?

Whatever the answer, all you need do is turn on the television or open a browser to witness the space between us growing wider each day. A space so wide, it makes the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the sidewalk.

Multiple wars on multiple fronts. The economy taking a swan dive. Unemployment hitting record highs. Wall Street executives getting away with billions unpunished. Gas prices skyrocketing, along with oil company profits. Leaders who can't be trusted. Unprecedented infighting amongst our politicians. The media, eager to let us know every time someone, somewhere, fucks up - and, they still can barely keep up.

It's not hard to point to a million reasons why most of us feel this country's on the wrong track. We're practically human pinatas, Pavlovianly conditioned for the next "poke" coming from the next flailing stick, before it even comes. Thus, after seeing story after story of who's screwing you over today, it's only natural to react defensively and adopt an "every man for himself" attitude.

However, as any half-wit knows, no matter how isolated you choose to remain, you can only go so far on your own. It's only when everyone pulls together as a team that we really have a fighting chance to emerge out of a mess like this.

Unfortunately, that's where we run into the real problem. Because, even though it's common knowledge that, if the group is to succeed, its success must be born through the efforts of individuals, yet, no matter how much, I, personally, would like to be one of those individuals, I simply cannot bring myself to do it. I cannot reach across the aisle and offer a proverbial olive branch to the other side, even if it means if we don't we're doomed. Because, simply stated, the other side is bat-shit crazy. And, the sad part is, I'm probably not alone.

As much as most of us would love to see this country back on top and prospering again, and no matter how much we would like to play some small role in the revitalization of it, the majority of us simply cannot bring ourselves to make the effort. And, the reason for that is simple. Our Achilles heel is the modern-day republican party.

It's absolutely mind-boggling that, at a time when we need some seriously rational thinkers, on both sides, the republicans have offered up exactly the opposite: Herman Cains, Sarah Palins, Michelle Bachmanns, Mitt Romneys, Paul Ryans, John Boehners, Todd Akins, Jan Brewers, Rick Scotts, Rick Perrys, Rick Santorums, etc. etc. It's like the credits at the end of some ridiculously bad B-movie; Attack of the Mindless Zealots from Planet Rick.

How can you have a meaningful discussion about anything when the main objective of your adversary is seeing you go down in flames - no matter what the cost? No one wins with that kind of attitude, but, as has been demonstrated time and time again, the republicans just don't give a sh#t. They're even crazy enough to engage in Kamikaze politics on their own battleships. But, why?

Perhaps, it's because they're scared. In the past decade, we've managed to lose most of our status as being the "best" at this or that, in almost every area, and now they're as frightened and paranoid as the manager of a ball club who's gone from first to worst. Yet, like a veteran team who used to bring home the trophies and is now hampered by injuries, high salaries, and lack of production, even though everything around them screams, "A change is needed!" they refuse. Because change is scary, and it takes guts and faith. And, despite all their talking about it, these are the two main things they lack most.

Remember the scene in the movie Contact where the great minds at N.A.S.A. decided they know more about safety in space than the aliens, so they build Jodie Foster a metal seat - complete with seatbelt - in the pod? Within seconds of the launch, the seat shakes so violently, if she didn't released herself, she would've been smashed to bits against the capsule wall. But, once she lets go and trusts the plan, and follows the logical course, she's exposed to wonders she'd never even dreamed of.

The point is, the scientists didn't trust what they didn't understand. Their fear of the unknown almost caused a catastrophe right out of the gate. The republicans are the same way. They don't trust concepts like alternative energy because they don't understand it, and they don't want to. They'd rather keep drilling for oil and gas until the entire planet resembles a practice target at a rifle range, because it's what they know. Forget about the fact that switching to hydro-electric, or solar, power would create more jobs and possibly even lead to unimaginable reserves of energy in the decades to come. They don't want to hear it. Because it takes guts to tell the big auto makers and the Arabs, "we're not going to be dependent on a finite resource like oil anymore."

Old school thinking won't bring our country back to where it was. Nor, will keeping your head in the sand - and talking about "progress" when everyone and their mother knows you're only plan is to maintain the status quo and not rock the boat. Only forward thinking can accomplish that; Health care for everyone, natural resources for energy, the rich paying more taxes than the poor, cutting the defense budget and putting it toward education, labeling harmful foods -especially for children, gun control, etc. etc. All these subjects are simple common sense. Yet, what are the republicans focused on? Defeating gay marriage, moving women's rights back to the dark ages, and making sure Mexicans go back to Mexico. Bravo, gang. You should be proud.

Until a messiah comes along strong enough to withstand the bullshit being hurled at light speed, the soundtrack to our generation won't be a rock band. It'll be the redundantly bitter, spiteful rhetoric, spewing forth, unchecked, from both sides of the aisle - like a pundit version of the Deepwater Horizon. Hopefully, it won't take another disaster to cap it. 'Til then, all we can do is hold on tight and brace for impact.

KKK Sues GOP; Claim Multiple Patent Infringements

In a 48 page complaint filed in federal court this morning, the Selma, Alabama-based White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan have alleged that, during the past eight months of the 2012 presidential nomination campaign, the GOP have repeatedly infringed on over half a dozen patents, which the white supremacist group say they own.

Virgil Cooley, Grand Wizard of the KKK, spoke with members of the media outside his Chik-Fil-A franchise after the suit was filed. "This is an egregious and blatant violation of our rights as Americans, and businessmen. The Klan has spent the better part of the last two centuries crafting and building our brand of fear, discrimination and intimidation of gays, blacks, Jews, Muslims, Mexicans, women, and other minorities too insignificant to even mention here. And, for the GOP to think they can just waltz in and take over our party, is not only illegal, but un-American. We ask the court to grant full restitution."

Mr. Cooley then proceeded to rattle off a list of several of the patents in question:

1. The Hypocritical "U-S-A!" Chant: "Anyone can chant U-S-A! U-S-A!" claims Mr. Cooley. "But, it was the Klan that first put the "hate" behind the once bland, patriotic cheer. Before we came along, that chant did nothing more than announce to anyone within earshot these were a bunch of folks who were proud to be Americans. It wasn't until we turned those cheers into a form of ridicule with hypocrisy, intolerance, and anger, that the half-breeds and scum that currently occupy our homeland finally got the message to KEEP OUT!"

2. Benevolent outward appearance (the "G.F.C" Credo): "Ask anyone on the street; when it comes to projecting a wholesome image of God, family, and community, who are the experts? That's right, we are. The Klan were the first to live and work among our sub-human neighbors during the day as if we were one, big, happy family. Did we ever display our despise for them in public? Of course not. On the contrary, men whose wives baked cookies for the local bake sale, and who were prominent local businessmen, themselves, never let you see so much as a glimpse as to what they'd really like to do to you. No matter what that clown Romney would have you believe, the invention of the friendly and empathetic front is 100% Klan and 0% GOP.

3. Anti-Abortion: "I guess folks need them a little refresher course in their history lesson. It was the Klan that began protesting the killing of white babies in the early 1920's, when it wasn't even fashionable, yet. And, at least we got the guts to admit we don't give a crap what happens to the black and hispanic ones."

4. Using the Bible as an Excuse for Everything: "Once again, it was the Klan who first decided to indiscriminately pick and choose what passages we liked, and didn't like, from the bible, then demand everyone follow along or face our fists. Not all of the commandments, o' course. Just the ones that furthered our agenda."

5. Treating Those Different from You with Scorn and Hate: "This one's the capper. I will be presenting actual super-8 footage from my ninth birthday, back in '58, of my daddy telling me that anyone different from me was to be feared and stopped at all costs. And, that I should use violence, gossip, and innuendo to make sure they didn't pollute my good neighbors' thoughts with their differences." Let's see the GOP challenge that."

6. Out and Out Lying: "C'mon. This is a no-brainer, folks. No one is better at telling a lost, misguided, easily-impressionable soul what they want to hear more than a hate group. Where do you think the GOP get the topics for their endless supply of boldface lies they tell? And, whose instructional DVDs and video tapes do you think they purchased over the past year, online, to teach them how to do it with a straight face? We will be presenting those documents and sales receipts in court, as well."

Mr. Cooley wrapped up his speech by adding, "This is really an open and shut case. Thus, before we begin the lengthy process of a trail, I would like to appeal to the GOP's sense of decency and ask them, from one hate group to another, 'Let's face the facts and man up!' Because, I sure as heck don't wanna live in a world where a bunch of millionaires in fancy suits can come along and steal and plagiarize the methods your granddaddy, and his granddaddy before, spent their lives creating, and use them as if they were their own. I will say this, though; I do admire how they figured out how to do it without the hoods. Those things can get pretty damn hot in the summertime."

The Klan are seeking unspecified monetary damages, and have asked the judge to immediately require their logo and TM be applied to all buttons and propaganda at future GOP rallies.

Hooters CEO Admits Restaurant Chain is Christian Right's Secret Weapon in Forcing Closet Gays "Out"

The Hooters restaurant chain is famous for two things. And neither one of them is on the menu. They claim their popularity is due to the fact that they serve the best burgers and wings in the business. In reality, most folks know it's nothing more than your average pub fare served by incredibly, sexy, well-built women.

In light of the recent fervor caused by Chik-Fil-A CEO, Dan Cathy, denouncing gay marriage, Hooters co-founder, Ron Trench, has come forward in support of the family-oriented chicken franchise and admitted the original motivation behind Hooters was to throw the "kitchen sink" at America's male population, and, hopefully, force the ones in denial, out.

Mr. Trench states, "The worst thing about our country's enemies these days is you never know who they might be. The same goes for homosexuals. Identifying them becomes much easier if they dress and act the way they're supposed to."

Mr. Trench claims to speak from personal experience. "Back in college, I roomed with a guy. Great guy. Freshman year we did everything together. Played golf, went to the beach, etc. One night, we hit a sports bar, had a few beers, and, when I suggested we check out this local strip club I heard about, he comes out and tells me he's gay. I was horrified. Absolutely panic-stricken. Here was a guy I showered with and got dressed in front of for six months! The worst part, was that I was actually thinking of going into business with him. Thus, on the drive home, the idea for Hooters was born. Let's see if we can't drag those 'drags' out into the daylight."

He goes on to say, "The concept behind Hooters was simple. Use All-American guy stuff, e.g., burgers, wings, sports on big screen T.V.'s, etc., to lure guys of all shapes and sizes into our establishments. Then, we hit 'em with sex. When you combine food, sports, booze, and sex, it's a pretty irresistible combination. And, studies show, when you put a 'normal' drunk guy in the presence of a super hot blonde, he will make a total ass out of himself, every time, without fail, e.g., overt flirting, rude and inappropriate comments, drooling, groping, etc. Basically, a good-looking woman will turn any normal male into a babbling, moronic idiot. But, it's the ones that keep their composure, calmly finish their meal, and, odds are, never once sneak a peak at the waitresses ass - or worse - the tie ballgame being broadcast on thirty jumbo screens right in front of his face - that we identify as possible homosexuals and take the appropriate next steps."

According to Mr. Trench, those "next steps" include forwarding the customer's credit card info and home address to underground, right wing think tanks, who then monitor the individual, and, possibly, even go as far as customizing Facebook ads, e.g., a big sale on decorative drapes from Pier One Imports, to see if the user clicks on it.

"At that point, if they take the 'bait,' we know what we're dealing with. They're tagged and followed like penguins. Gay penguins, of course. But, still... And, like I said, it's better to know your enemy than to not. In reality, all we're doing is holding up a mirror and saying "C'mon, look at these women. You're not even the slightest bit aroused. Isn't it time you were honest with yourself?" Not to mention, in some cases, men who've been to our restaurants and have gone home wondering why they never even experienced so much as a twinge in their nether regions, have simply outted themselves. And, obviously, that makes our job much easier. But, the real reward is seeing your hard work paying off, firsthand. I've been to several political rallies where men who've been outted by our restaurant have come up and thanked me."

A spokesman for GLAAD had no comment.

Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and The Ghost of Hitler Join Forces for Family-Aid; The Concert to Benefit Bigotry

Live Aid. Farm Aid. And now, "Family Aid."

It's moments like this that make you proud to be American. When a small, useless minority of second-class citizens threaten to disrupt the nationwide enterprise that is good ole fashioned Fast Food with a touch of hatred, it's inspiring to know a few of our country's bravest leaders will risk their necks, as well as pocketbooks, and, not only speak out in defense of these poor, deep-frying, God-fearing proprietors, but will take action to make sure it ne'er happens again.

That's just what men like Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and, thanks to advancements made in the controversial field of Religious Paranormal Emergency Resuscitation (R.P.E.R.), a Star-Trek-like process in which only those "pure of heart" may ask God to get directly involved in matters where the bible is being challenged and instantly beam a historical figure of their choosing down to assist, the Ghost of Adolf Hitler has arrived to lend a hand.

"It matters not that the doubters say it's just a look-alike in a Nazi uniform," says Reverend James Atchity, founder of the R.P.E.R. Institute. "What matters is that Messrs Santorum and Huckabee now have the spiritual support to continue their never-ending fight to wipe out tolerance wherever it may rear its ugly head." The Rev. does have a point. After all, who better to join them than one of the founding fathers of discrimination, be he real or a paid impersonator?

Other popular Midwestern franchises, such as Jesus Burger and Mother Mary's Meatballs and Subs, have already pledged their support. "We feel it's about time someone came to defend the family and defend hatred," states Tuck Leggard, CEO of Jesus Burger. He then added, "We're not crazy about the word 'Aids' in the title, though. Maybe they can change it to "Family Relief? Although, that might sound like the whole family's takin' a pee."

Janice Summers, a mother of five from Des Moines, IA., who stood online three days to purchase tickets, said, "I'm not sure what all these gays are whinin' about in the first place. Everyone knows eatin' chicken doesn't make you gay. Eatin' pizza does. So, let's clear that myth up once and for all."

Fred Stokes, a lawyer for right-wing Super PAC "Gay Gay Go Away," commented, "Is there something wrong with teaching your kids a little bit of hypocrisy while they eat their lunch? Last I checked, it was a free country - although, if that socialist Obama has his way, we're all doomed. Besides, I'd much prefer a dashboard Jesus with my Happy Meal than some cheap rendition of a washed-up Frog. Screw them Muppets."

Mr. Stokes goes on to say, "If I may, here's two simple pieces of advice for the Gay and Lesbian community."

1.) If you're so upset about not being able to eat at some fried chicken place, instead of crying about it, why not start one yourselves? You could call it "Chik-For-Gay". Done and done.

2.) Please stop referring to yourselves as "Gays and Lesbians." Lesbians are, in fact, gay already, no? Which means, by using that particular calling card, you're basically referring to yourselves as, The 'Gay and gay community.' Instead, why not try something more creative? I'm not creative, so I don't know, but you types are."

Again. Proud to be American.

(As of this publishing, no acts have agreed to perform)

Brian Dunkleman Was Right; How "Idol" -and Shows Like it- Pushed Us Past the Point of No Return

For the better part of the last decade, Brian Dunkleman's name has been synonymous with bonehead moves. He's been used as a punch line from Comedy Central to The Simpsons to Family Guy. Most of time playing off of the fact that, by quitting as co-host of American Idol after its first season, he was the dumbest guy, not only in TV, but in America; the "Pete Best of Prime Time," as Howard Stern once called him.

In writer/director Rod Lurie's political thriller, The Contender, The President, played brilliantly by a cynical-yet-noble Jeff Bridges, states "Sometimes greatness comes in the form of sacrifice. That's the loneliest form." Granted, the guy isn't Joan of Arc. He was just a T.V. host. But, the quote does, in fact, apply in regards to what Dunkleman gave up and had to endure (five years on the Hollywood blacklist) because of what he, personally, didn't want to be a part of.

Here was a guy who saw what was happening to the kids on this new, yet untested, show he was the co-star of and, because of that, he made an incredibly tough, and subsequently, wildly unpopular decision to walk away. Did he know he was sacrificing millions at the time? Probably not. But, the show was a hit and he was the host.

He hasn't spoken about his decision to leave Idol in years, but, somehow, while talking with him last week, I managed to get him to open up about it.

"You have to remember," he said, "this was the first time anyone had ever seen abuse like this on national television. And, it was being done to children. On purpose." He goes on to say, "When American Idol first launched back in the summer of 2002, the most awful thing anyone had seen to that point was a bunch of drunken college kids arguing on The Real World or contestants eating a handful of snakes on Survivor."

We talked about the fact that, since that time, it's not uncommon to watch six-year-old pageant contestants push each other off the stage, mothers who encourage that behavior, teens setting homeless people on fire on Youtube, and bimbos hitting each other in the face with frying pans, in the hopes of winning a date with some rich schmuck who'll dump them five seconds after the cameras stop rolling. And, oh yeah, there's still kids being insulted and humiliated all over the place, but, at this point, we're so desensitized to it it's like coming home to a warm bath. It's where we turn for comfort when Drunken Pregnant Teen Moms becomes a bit too much (we still have some standards). Gone are the days when adults criticizing kids was so shocking it prompted Oprah to devote an entire show to it. These days, at some point or another, most of the same producers have done business with her.

I half-jokingly quipped that perhaps Simon Cowell is responsible for the decay of western civilization as we know it, to which he responded, "Simon's a great guy. He really is. And, while it's obviously never one person's fault, he knew, and knows, exactly what he was doing. But, it wasn't just him. It was all of the show's producers moving their focus away from what was supposed to be the show's goal - of finding undiscovered talent - and, instead, zeroing in on finding undiscovered talent they could make cry. To them, adults making children cry in prime time television was a ratings bonanza. It turned out they weren't wrong. But, I wanted no part of it."

As my dad always says, "Pay me now, or pay me later." Well, when it comes to the hedonistic culture we've carved out for ourselves using the twisted and backwards formula Reality Shows+Social Media+Quick-Buck-Lifestyle=happiness, it certainly seems now is "later." And, boy are we paying. It's almost like the entire country signed up to watch an Anti-Tony Robbins seminar and we're all valedictorian.

Almost every aspect of our lives has been dramatically altered by the one-two punch of reality shows and Twitter, followed closely behind by the incessant barrage of online news telling you who's doing better than you. For most of us at this point, real life does, indeed, seem like a reality show:

Wall St. bandits run off with your money and you're stuck having to work two jobs to buy a tank of gas. Meanwhile, some guy shoots everyone in the house next door to you, and your wife finds out you're cheating on her because your girlfriend tweeted it. In between those wonderful moments, the media bombards us with images of celebrities, tech geeks, athletes, and people who are famous for being drunk who make more in five minutes than you will in your lifetime.

Now, grab a beer - or five- and you're ready to flick on that T.V., or laptop, and curl up with pundits arguing, mob wives arguing, teenagers arguing, wannabe chefs, models, and hairstylists arguing, children crying, or the icing on the cake, some serious-ass beatings on UFC!

Of course, let's not forget the parents of the six-year-old kid who made that video Youtube just took down, who defiantly say they're looking forward to video #2. Of course, they are. To them, the controversy means a potential payday. Forget about the fact it's bordering on child abuse to encourage sexual and suggestive behavior between a first grader and strippers. In the end, it's just another news byte.

The reality is, reality T.V. has completely destroyed our sense of decency toward one another, while causing us to re-prioritize our goals. It's more important now that our favorite couple wins Dancing with the Stars than it is to make sure our kid isn't out there snorting bath salts and eating the neighbor's face off.

Nowhere is this sentiment better represented than in the speech given by "Frank," the anti-hero in director Bobcat Goldthwaite's dark dramedy, God Bless America. In it, Frank talks about how, not only have we lost our morals, we wear our shamelessness as a badge of honor. He talks about how the entire country has become the Colosseum and we're the eager Romans. Constantly pining to see the gladiators fight to the death.

If you step back and look at the stories of cannibalism, kid shootings, setting ex-girlfriends on fire (and the towing company making the burned victim pay for her car removal), cutting people up and mailing their body parts, eating your roommate's heart and brain, and cutting out your own intestines and throwing it at the police, to name just a few, he may have a point.

No matter how old or young we are, we all, to some degree or another, emulate what we see on screens, big or small. Remember the 70s movie, The Warriors? People ran out of the theaters, charged into bathrooms, and ripped the sinks out of the walls. Now, imagine The Warriors is on 24/7 on every channel. That's what it's like today. It's amazing they haven't done Barney gets a Beatdown yet on Sprout.

Is there a link between reality shows and reality? The Washington Post reports 63% of adults think this country is on the wrong track. You can't say that none of that comes from the media. We're not just talking reality shows, either. The selfish, quick and easy way is evident all around us. Just ask a Kardashian.

Practically all music played on the radio sounds like it was written, produced, and released in five minutes to parrot the tone of our culture (Call Me, Maybe!) Movies have gone beyond just being sequel-happy. Forget about parts 2 and 3. Studios have no qualms remaking part 1 over and over again (Spiderman) if it means a quick weekend return. Less work, maybe. Less creativity, brain activity, and art. Absolutely. Sure, there will always be some great artists out there, but now you have to wade through a swamp to find them, and by that time, yer covered from head to toe in you-know-what.

Don't think for a second that the folks down at "City Hall" are above all this insanity. The obvious sad "reality" is, our elected officials, the ones we ask to lead by example, seem dead set on trying to do everything they can to emulate the immature, uncompromising, apathetic behavior emulated by reality shows.
br /> Congress is at a stalemate. The Supreme Court argue like infants. And, stubborn governors openly defy the president, promising to refuse his executive orders, so, "Nyah, nyah, nyah to your health care bill!"

Of course, it's not Simon Cowell's fault. But, giving him, and the Cowellettes, twenty different talent shows on five different networks certainly doesn't help matters much.

The way things are now, we could definitely use a few more Brian Dunkleman's. Not only in entertainment, but in business, politics, education, etc.

You can keep your mega-rich Ryan Seacrest's. I'll take a broke Brian Dunkleman anytime, and twice on Sunday.

"Shorely, You Can't Be Serious." (Residents of Pt. Pleasant Vote for Booze Curfew)

If there's anyone who knows what it's like to live in a noisy part of town, it's yours truly. A few years back, I moved to Hoboken with the hope of avoiding the calamity and insanity of Manhattan. Little did I know the quiet I so desperately desired would be short-lived, as the incessant noises of "progress" began, in earnest, shortly after.

Nowadays, you might as well call the area around my building "Post-War Iraq." With half a dozen new condos going up (as well as a Trader Joe's), the reconstruction of the viaduct linking us to Jersey City (personally, I feel we should sever it), the six-nights-a-week garbage pick up (at 3:30a.m.), and the screaming, drunken stragglers stumbling out of the Biergarten down the street each and every weekend, I think I can identify with the residents of Point Pleasant, N.J., who, in their own desperate attempt for peace and quiet, just voted to cease the sale of alcohol after midnight beginning July 1.

A second part of the law, which would have allowed bars wanting to remain open 'til 2 to pay a sixty-dollar per-person "extortion tax," was voted down.

As much as I empathize with their situation, I have to ask; "Are you Nuts?"

Trading a few extra "theoretical" hours of peace and quiet in exchange for the decimation of a sizable chunk of the town's revenue, just doesn't make sense. Besides, noisy, drunken revelers are as much a part of the tapestry of the Jersey Shore as high rent and sirens are to Manhattan. They've been around longer than the dinosaurs.

In the long run, there's little chance this ordinance will succeed, because the consequences will be too dire.

A few examples of these consequences might be:

a). Many regulars who vacation in Point Pleasant will simply vacate to the surrounding towns.

b). As a result of this mass exodus, revenue will drop considerably, thus, the city council will be forced to raise taxes.

c). When the clock strikes 11:55, patrons will line up ten shots of Patron in order to beat the curfew. This will, no doubt, result in more D.U.I's and raise the risk of injury to residents and tourists alike.

d). Why stop there? If the midnight alcohol ban is successful, the city council will move for a noise ordinance requiring private residences to shut down parties after midnight. The subsequent loss of interest in the Point Pleasant rental market will be substantial.

Perhaps the people of Point Pleasant got the idea for the alcohol curfew from their neighbors in Sea Girt, as they already have a midnight ban on alcohol. The problem is, there are two major differences: One is, Sea Girt is an affluent town and doesn't rely on revenue from its bars to thrive. The second is, Sea Girt only has a few bars to begin with, compared with literally dozens in Point Pleasant. Thus, the financial damage for the city of Point Pleasant will be exponentially greater.

At present, folks in Sea Girt who wish to party past midnight simply jump in a cab and head to one of the surrounding towns. If the same is true for Point Pleasant, the one industry that will undeniably benefit from this curfew will be the taxi companies.

Is Facebook Knowingly Allowing Counterfeit Websites to Access Your Information?

There are scores of unanswered questions when it comes to the kinds of tactics advertisers are using these days to better monitor our shopping habits and the things we 'like.'

Both Apple and Google have already been caught with their pants down, secretly trying to keep tabs on where we go and what we do. There's little doubt, these gigantic companies we're entrusting to protect our data and keep it out of the hands of those who would use it for unfair or illegal purposes can't keep their eyes on everything all the time. They're simply too big and there's too much data being exchanged to hope for that kind of Utopian reality.

For instance, take the area of counterfeit merchandising. The selling of phony, unlicensed goods to unsuspecting consumers through overseas, and sometimes local, websites is one of the world's fastest-growing illegal business scams. In part, because these Internet criminals are using more sophisticated and brazen ways to pinpoint and target what you may currently be in the market for.

Case in point, apparently Facebook (surprise) is once again on the hot-seat for allowing sites that sell counterfeit merchandise to run rampant through its backyard, all while under the guise of a legitimate "umbrella" marketing company. The kicker here being the biggest alleged umbrella is in China. And, as most of us know, due to its networking potential, Facebook is currently illegal in China.

However, according to Eric Feinberg, founder of F.A.K.E. (Fans Against Kounterfeit Enterprise), a little government censorship's not stopping companies based in mainland China from marketing their services to companies - both legitimate, and fraudulent - worldwide.

"We have concrete proof that Facebook is not only allowing, but obviously, profiting, off the monitoring of its users by companies whose sole purpose is to take that data and use it to sell you counterfeit merchandise."

According to Feinberg, the main suspect in this case is a Shanghai-based marketing giant called adSage. Founded by former Microsoft adCenter programmer/manager, ZhaoHui Tang, adSage is the official partner of Facebook as it tries to claw its way into the lucrative, and virtually untapped, Chinese marketplace. adSage boasts over 3000 clients worldwide. Some are legitimate - such as Lever Bros. and top Chinese search engine, Baidu, - and some are not. These 'nots' are illegal overseas businesses which sign up for the same Facebook targeted marketing campaigns as the real guys. What supposedly happens next is exactly what Facebook says it's not doing; the covert monitoring of your activity and posts, and the mining of your data, which is then sent to these clients and used to create customized "clickable" ads specifically pertaining to what you just discussed or posted, as recently as twenty minutes ago. And, if these con-artists are willing to sell you bogus goods without blinking, imagine what else they're doing with your data.

The problem here is two-fold: Obviously, being sent links from illegal companies posing as the real deal is one. The other, is the massive ethical and fiduciary responsibility Facebook is potentially violating by allowing adSage, and companies like it, to tap into its application's software code and track your movements without your knowledge. This process even has a name: A.F.P. "adSage For Performance." Which, the company website boldly boasts, "means quicker classification and behavior of the user... which is then available in a fraction of the time to adSage's analytical team." Or, loosely translated, "We can tell you who they are, where they are, and exactly what they're looking for, in about ten minutes."

Feinberg, who designs and manages numerous Facebook fan/promotional pages for various professional sports teams, claims when he mentions the Pro Bowl funny things begin happening. "The Pro Bowl takes place in Hawaii, so Facebook and its marketers think I live in Hawaii, thus, within minutes, adds for all things Hawaiian begin appearing on my page. Not to mention the deluge of counterfeit NFL merchandise." Kay'Lee Wells, one of Feinberg's associates, experimented by changing her profile pic to a bag by designer Louis Vuitton, and, the very next day, she began seeing ads for counterfeit Louis Vuitton bags. "Whenever I changed my cover photo or made comments about certain things, ads would pop up," she added.

You don't need a Ph.D. from Stanford to see the long-term implications of guerrilla tactics such as these are much scarier than buying a fake Green Bay Packers jersey. For instance, a new virus has recently appeared which targets your browser, not your hard drive, making it virtually impossible to detect. How does it spread? Clicking on a link. It's a sobering thought knowing even the companies who swear up and down they're not selling your data might not even be aware they're doing it. If, in fact, they are aware, that's another subject, entirely.

Bottom line, no matter who they are or what they're doing with our information, three things are for certain:

1. Congress is light years behind technology with regard to the passage of new laws and the creation of more rigid parameters that can better keep up with, and better regulate, this constantly-evolving medium. But, who are we kidding? By the time the 'Hatfields' and 'McCoys' agree on what to have for breakfast, a hundred new websites have already launched, looking to steal your information, and/or identity, and doing it with technology that was state-of-the-art yesterday but is obsolete, today. It's the socio-political equivalent of a Keystone Cop trotting along in a horse and buggy and being blown away by an army of passing Lamborghinis. How will he ever catch them? Factor in the problem of international prosecution and you've got yourself one heck of a virtual nut to crack.

2. Facebook is the biggest entity the online world, and possibly the entire world, has ever seen. And yet, with all the potential pitfalls of identity theft, stalking, harassment, pedophilia, credit card fraud, application hacking, counterfeiters, new browser viruses, and a litany of other potential nightmares from a now publicly-traded company, the fact that there's not a single human being you can call for assistance is simply beyond belief.

3. Tang Zhaohui just might be the modern day Freddy Krueger.

(surprisingly, no one at Facebook was available for comment.)