Virgil Cooley, Grand Wizard of the KKK, spoke with members of the media outside his Chik-Fil-A franchise after the suit was filed. "This is an egregious and blatant violation of our rights as Americans, and businessmen. The Klan has spent the better part of the last two centuries crafting and building our brand of fear, discrimination and intimidation of gays, blacks, Jews, Muslims, Mexicans, women, and other minorities too insignificant to even mention here. And, for the GOP to think they can just waltz in and take over our party, is not only illegal, but un-American. We ask the court to grant full restitution."
Mr. Cooley then proceeded to rattle off a list of several of the patents in question:
1. The Hypocritical "U-S-A!" Chant: "Anyone can chant U-S-A! U-S-A!" claims Mr. Cooley. "But, it was the Klan that first put the "hate" behind the once bland, patriotic cheer. Before we came along, that chant did nothing more than announce to anyone within earshot these were a bunch of folks who were proud to be Americans. It wasn't until we turned those cheers into a form of ridicule with hypocrisy, intolerance, and anger, that the half-breeds and scum that currently occupy our homeland finally got the message to KEEP OUT!"
2. Benevolent outward appearance (the "G.F.C" Credo): "Ask anyone on the street; when it comes to projecting a wholesome image of God, family, and community, who are the experts? That's right, we are. The Klan were the first to live and work among our sub-human neighbors during the day as if we were one, big, happy family. Did we ever display our despise for them in public? Of course not. On the contrary, men whose wives baked cookies for the local bake sale, and who were prominent local businessmen, themselves, never let you see so much as a glimpse as to what they'd really like to do to you. No matter what that clown Romney would have you believe, the invention of the friendly and empathetic front is 100% Klan and 0% GOP.
3. Anti-Abortion: "I guess folks need them a little refresher course in their history lesson. It was the Klan that began protesting the killing of white babies in the early 1920's, when it wasn't even fashionable, yet. And, at least we got the guts to admit we don't give a crap what happens to the black and hispanic ones."
4. Using the Bible as an Excuse for Everything: "Once again, it was the Klan who first decided to indiscriminately pick and choose what passages we liked, and didn't like, from the bible, then demand everyone follow along or face our fists. Not all of the commandments, o' course. Just the ones that furthered our agenda."
5. Treating Those Different from You with Scorn and Hate: "This one's the capper. I will be presenting actual super-8 footage from my ninth birthday, back in '58, of my daddy telling me that anyone different from me was to be feared and stopped at all costs. And, that I should use violence, gossip, and innuendo to make sure they didn't pollute my good neighbors' thoughts with their differences." Let's see the GOP challenge that."
6. Out and Out Lying: "C'mon. This is a no-brainer, folks. No one is better at telling a lost, misguided, easily-impressionable soul what they want to hear more than a hate group. Where do you think the GOP get the topics for their endless supply of boldface lies they tell? And, whose instructional DVDs and video tapes do you think they purchased over the past year, online, to teach them how to do it with a straight face? We will be presenting those documents and sales receipts in court, as well."
Mr. Cooley wrapped up his speech by adding, "This is really an open and shut case. Thus, before we begin the lengthy process of a trail, I would like to appeal to the GOP's sense of decency and ask them, from one hate group to another, 'Let's face the facts and man up!' Because, I sure as heck don't wanna live in a world where a bunch of millionaires in fancy suits can come along and steal and plagiarize the methods your granddaddy, and his granddaddy before, spent their lives creating, and use them as if they were their own. I will say this, though; I do admire how they figured out how to do it without the hoods. Those things can get pretty damn hot in the summertime."
The Klan are seeking unspecified monetary damages, and have asked the judge to immediately require their logo and TM be applied to all buttons and propaganda at future GOP rallies.