No Matter What, Sesame Street Will Never Dump Elmo

If I learned one thing from my days as a production assistant on Sesame Street, it's this:

Elmo runs the place.

Period. End of story. Sure, there are "exec. producers'" and "co-exec. producers," and "CEOs" of the Sesame Workshop (Sesame St.'s parent co.), etc., etc., but, make no mistake, that little red monster is King.

Remember that bratty kid from the Twilight Zone episode who all the adults are afraid of because he has the power to wish them away?

That's Elmo. Or, more to the point, that's Kevin Clash.

So, when you read in the press, Clash has been "reprimanded," or "disciplined," or " is in danger of being fired," take it with a pillar of salt. Because, even in the midst of an underage sex scandal, the brass upstairs know exactly who's driving this gravy train, and has been for the past 25 years. And, it ain't about to slow down now.

Not to mention, if and when the train does come to a stop, it'll take more than a flip-flopping, fairly unstable-looking, wannabe male model with a nice sized rap sheet and weird blue eyes to derail it. And, the reason is obvious.

In this day and age, the only thing that matters is the greeeeeen. And, when it comes to bringing home the bacon, there's no character in the nearly 45 year history of the show who's made as much of the green stuff for Sesame Street as Elmo. Not Big Bird. Not Ernie. No one.

Thus, ultimately, no matter how much tap dancing they'll have to do if he's proven guilty to explain why he's back, you can bet they're already practicing their jazz hands - just in case. Because, when all is said and done, no executive producer wants to be responsible for killing that big of a cash cow; especially not since Sesame Street's episodes have been cut from over 100, just a decade ago, to less than 30 this year. No, sir.

A little, juicy sex scandal may be enough to bring down the likes of a Pee Wee Herman, but, as big as he was at the time of his unfortunate moment, Pee Wee couldn't touch Elmo.

Elmo is arguably the biggest star in the world; marketed in 100 countries, his voice translated into 100 languages, and his talking dolls create fistfights among parents desperate to make sure their kid gets the last one at Xmas time.

It would take a scandal on par with O.J. before Sesame would seriously consider replacing the one guy responsible for all that. After all, there were other puppeteers who tried doing Elmo before Clash, and not one of them succeeded. It was Clash's raw talent as, not only a puppeteer, but also a voice and character actor, that gave Elmo life and made him the superstar he is today.

So, talk to me when Clash is found hovering over the dead bodies of his relatives with a bloody knife in his hand and kiddie porn all over his computer. Then, maybe, we'd be talking early retirement.

No doubt, this thing is a huge embarrassment for Clash, but he and Elmo are going to make it through just fine. Of course, now that he was forced to come out of the closet, he's going to have to endure the multitude of bad jokes that accompany a scandal such as this.

Right, Pee Wee?

The Land That Time (and the Mayor) Forgot: Thousands of Seniors Still Without Heat in The Rockaways

The worst part about a storm like this is the chaos it creates regarding the chain of communication. Nearly two weeks after the ocean breached the shores of Far Rockaway Beach, and wreaked havoc throughout the entire New York area, hundreds upon hundreds of the sick and elderly still have no idea when their heat will return. And, everyone's blaming everyone else. Meanwhile, the seniors continue to freeze.

Being part of a crew documenting the aftermath of Sandy, we were asked to visit the JASA (Jewish Assoc. Serving the Aged) Senior housing projects along the beach in Far Rockaway today. The reason they asked us is because practically every other media outlet has ignored their pleas for help.

Below are some excerpts from the numerous emails I received which prompted us to drop everything and head out there:

"The situation in Far Rockaway is dire and out of control. A body bag was pulled out of one the buildings yesterday. There is no National Guard, Red Cross or any other disaster relief agency on site. Individual volunteers and other small volunteer groups are the only ones on site. Most of the recovery efforts in the Rockaways are focused on the Western part of the peninsula where fires erupted such as Rockaway Park and Breezy Point. The buildings have approximately 2,000 units housing senior citizens, most of whom are of Russian descent. Each building is over 20 stories high housing approx 16 units on each floor. It is unclear how many did not tenants evacuated, however, it is known that only 25 % of the Rockaway Peninsula evacuated."

"Homebound seniors can't leave their homes, most can't walk up and down the stairs. They need medicine and medical care, in addition to food and water. The owners of the buildings have no real plan for recovery and if they do, haven't announced one. Building management had no idea that LIPA (Long Island Power Authority) services the Rockaway Peninsula, and not Con Ed. Apparently all of the systems to the building have been compromised. They told me Doctors without Borders are there, but we know for a fact they aren't. On Sunday, Doctors without Borders were on Beach 38 and yesterday, one of the volunteers informed us that Doctors without Borders have not been there."

"I was personally in Far Rockaway today with 4 other girls. We were at Beach 19th street in buildings 125, 135 and 155 handing out supplies and food. What's happening there is an utter disgrace, management has no clue who is in the buildings, what they need or what the reality of the situation is. Someone posted that a body was discovered and carried out today. That's absolutely true, saw it with my own eyes."

"Hallways are becoming peoples restrooms, all the tenants are running their stoves to stay warm -- the smell of gas is unbearable and most of the people are in the 80+ group so I wouldnt be surprised if one accidently sets the whole building on fire or kills themselves b/c they didnt turn the gas off (many organization groups in an effort to help were distributing candles and matches). Many of the tenants were telling me they have sons, daughters etc. but they cant come get them b/c they work or have no gas."

Upon arriving, we met Yana Feldman, an estate planning attorney who had been there since the beginning and was leading a group of volunteers. She confirmed what the above emails stated. "The problem is, some can't leave and some refuse to" she says. Apparently, many of the 80plus year olds have the attitude, 'I survived two wars. I can survive this.'" Which doesn't make their job any easier. Volunteers were carrying the elderly out down 19 flights of stairs to shelters.

Our crew was told to stop filming almost as soon as we started by one of the complex managers. She then gave me a number to call and I was told I'd have to wait an hour, as, Terry Marks, the director, was on with The Times. When I finally got through, Ms. Marks went on a manic-but-well-informed rant about how many things they were doing and, if we really wanted to help, we should just leave and, "Let them do their job."

The entire time the director was rattling off each thing that was supposedly being done, e.g. generators, Doctors Without Borders, etc., poor Yana was standing there shaking her head in disagreement. It was quite bizarre being in the middle of a conversation like that, but, who would you believe? A director who's calling from an office miles away, or a volunteer on the ground who's been there for days on end?

Ultimately, Ms. Marks did come off as empathetic to the situation and was most likely just under a lot of understandable stress, as she was no doubt being pulled in several directions at once. There's no denying she cares about the seniors, it just may be a case of receiving some incorrect information. Which brings me to my original statement:

Ultimately, the directors and volunteers are on the same side. But, so many people are telling so many tales as to who's to blame, or who's saying what, you can't help but feel caught in the web of complete chaos that damage to such a widespread area such as this creates.

For instance, I was told by Ms. Marks that LIPA is saying it's "Not their problem." Apparently, their systems are fine and it's the buildings electrical systems that are damaged, and that's not their problem. Meanwhile, the building's management says that's hogwash, and it is, indeed, LIPA's problem.

Jeff Altman, a manager at Owl Creek Hedge Fund, who, along with CEO Dan Sapadin, brought a team of volunteers to the projects, thinks LIPA is "full of it." "My mother lives three miles from here and she doesn't have power, either. So, trying to tell us everything's dandy out here is simply not true."

Trying to get to the heart of the matter, I called six different numbers for LIPA - everything from customer service, to emergency explosions, to the medical equipment catastrophe line, - and all were busy. I sent an email to Bruce Germano, LIPA's V.P. of customer service, but received no reply.

Today was the first day they saw a Red Cross truck. It just happened to arrive as we were leaving. The truck announced they had blankets and meals. Within seconds, the blankets were gone. The guy driving the truck said he was told by dispatch they "didn't need him there," but he came, anyway. Another miscommunication.

The bottom line is, when workers from a hedge fund and some volunteers from the Israeli Army, outnumber FEMA, the Red Cross, and the National Guard, two weeks after an epic storm, you know something's rotten in Denmark.

Even city councilman James Sanders thinks the entire situation stinks.

I'm sure the Mayor cares about these people, and, he can't be in all places at once. However, I would say, if it were me, and there was a massive power outage, one which affected thousands of the city's sick and elderly, and left them freezing and imprisoned in their dark towers for weeks, I'd make sure they were the ones who got priority, rather than the rich, white folk a stone's throw away, in Breezy Point.

The New York Times is supposedly running a story on the situation today(Friday). All I can advise is, having been there first hand, unless the power is fully restored sometime this afternoon, take everything you read with a grain of salt. Nothing is as it appears to be, and those poor folks need help.

If anyone wishes to help, you can join the Facebook group set up by the volunteers.

Facebook Sued Over Allegedly Allowing Chinese Counterfeiters to Sell Fake NFL Merchandise

I hate to say "I told ya so," but, if you read my blog dated June 12, it basically states exactly what one NFL merchandiser is alleging in a class action suit filed against Facebook yesterday in a California court.

The suit claims, because of Facebook's insatiable desire to break into the still untapped Chinese marketplace, it has aligned itself with a Chinese marketing firm called Adsage that has been repeatedly accused of doing business with counterfeit entities in numerous countries across the globe.

To make matters worse, the suit accuses Facebook of helping these marketers -both legal and illegal- gain access to your data by "opening" their source code to its Chinese partners. Thus, if you routinely visit pages that promote the NFL, chances are you will be prompted to click on ads for "Authentic NFL Jerseys" that are anything but.

Of course, Facebook continues to hide behind its 'Cone of Silence'. Even stranger, is the fact that I've submitted at least half a dozen articles on Facebook's immoral, and possibly illegal, business practices to the Huffington Post and have been completely stonewalled. No matter what they're accused of, stalking, counterfeiting, identity theft, sex trafficking, murder, etc. etc., the Huff will not say a negative word about Mr. Zuckerberg and co.



In recent months, Apple and Google have both been caught spying on its users. The implications of the world's largest social networking site sharing all your info is huge. Not only in the area of counterfeit goods, but, in the realm of security, as well.

Chris Clayton, editor-in-chief of Delta Skymag, recently published an article demonstrating how futile, and near impossible, it is to hide your information once it's out there, and how readily available it is for those seeking to gain access to it.

As usual, our esteemed lawmakers seem to be asleep at the wheel when it involves anything to do with cyberspace. It took them six years to pass the CAN-SPAM act. When it comes to online issues, congress moves about as fast as a python that just ate a bear.

There needs to be a bill introduced in congress that mandates prison time, as well as heavy fines, for any CEO whose company is proven, knowingly or unknowingly, to be sharing its users personal information with other entities. That's the only way you motivate the tech geeks to make sure their first priority is your protection, and not their pocketbook.

Don't be surprised, if, in the coming weeks, more companies 'Like' this particular lawsuit.

Why Romney Must Lose; One Florida Family's Fight for Adequate Health Care

Ashtyn Montali of Boynton Beach, Florida, is your average, every day, nine year-old girl. She likes catching butterflies, riding horses, and drawing pictures. Only, Ashtyn can't do any of those things, because she suffers from severe cerebral palsy. She's also a quadriplegic.

Ashtyn was born a healthy baby girl, but was deprived of oxygen in an incubator at the hospital that delivered her. This lack of oxygen caused her to suffer irreparable brain damage. It took her parents over a year before they were able to trace the cause of their daughter's illness.

Now, nine, and confined to a wheel chair 24/7, Ashtyn needs constant physical therapy, as well as a litany of extremely expensive medications, just to make it through the day. Because she eats through a feeding tube, and suffers from severe reflux, Ashtyn requires a specific type of formula; one which contains no amino acids and costs about $600/month.

Up until recently, all of Ashtyn's medical expenses were covered by Florida's medicaid plan; her therapy, her formula, her surgeries, cases of diapers, etc. However, in July of last year, her coverage expired, due simply to the fact that her father, who had been out work for years, found a job. So, the state of Florida claimed her family wasn't "poor enough" anymore. Translation; they earned over $40k. It's situations like this that make it easy to see why 47% of the population call themselves victims.

When Ashtyn was just 3 years-old, her parents applied for Med-Waiver, a state-run program which paid for medical expenses not typically covered by Medicaid. Unfortunately, the waiting list for the Med-Waiver program was over 19,000 people long; making Ashtyn 19,001.

Thanks to Florida Governor, Rick Scott, it matters not how many people are in front of Ashtyn now, as one of his first tasks when taking office was to cut the Med-Waiver program to shreds. Keep in mind, this is the same Rick Scott whose private, for-profit, health care co., HCA, admitted to over a dozen felonies regarding Medicare billing, and, of which, he was CEO. Surprise, Scott was not implicated.

For the past year and a half, Ashtyn's parents, Leslie and Adam Montali, have been trying to get Adam's company, Reverse Mortgage Solutions, a Texas-based lending co. with offices nationwide, to expand their employee insurance plan to include a better policy for family members. These talks are still on going.

Because they have no choice but to take the "bottom of the barrel" health care plan from dad's company, the Montalis now pay a $1,000/month premium, plus a 20% deductible, and all the other wonderful, additional costs, e.g., higher co-pays, more out-of-pocket expenses, etc.

This is where the merry-go-round spins even faster. According to Ashtyn's mom, Leslie, United Health Care, the umbrella company that insures RMS, has informed the Montalis:

"Even if the formula Ashtyn needs is her soul source of nutrition, they still won't cover a dime."

You don't need a degree in astrophysics to figure out what that means. United blames RMS for the Montali's lack of coverage. They go on to say that Ashtyn's medication, which costs upwards of $160.00/wk, is also not covered. Because, it's "only for the elderly," and a nine year-old girl "shouldn't need it." Meanwhile, a nine year-old with osteopenia has the bones of a 90 year old, and that particular medication is the only thing keeping them from getting worse. Incidentally, just recently, Ashtyn broke her arm. Her parents have no idea how she did it.

Making matters even more bizarre, is the involvement of the third-party health care co., Optum Health Solutions, which is overseeing Ashtyn's physical therapy sessions. Optum recently sent a letter to Ashtyn's school, requiring she be "evaluated every 3 months," as to determine the 'validity' of the therapy. They even went as far as to say, in writing, they believe Ashtyn has reached "Maximum therapeutic benefit" - which is corporate slang for "We don't believe she will ever get better."

This letter, a letter which is basically denying the daily therapy Ashtyn needs to function with any sort of stability, is coming from a company run by doctors, who, without ever meeting or evaluating Ashtyn, have determined - basically from a fax,- she's not worth the expense. Never mind the fact that, without constant therapy, Ashtyn's muscles will atrophy, her lungs could fill up with fluid, her scoliosis will get progressively worse, and her bones will break even easier than they do now. In some cases, therapy is preventative as well as rehabilitative.

The above is just a snippet of one family's struggle - an ongoing struggle to fight for the health care their sick, little girl needs, as well as a struggle to avoid the economic disaster that seems to be lurking in the not-to-distant future, should her father's company decide to keep the same plan.

If, however, RMS eventually decides to switch their coverage with United, then Ashtyn would be fully covered as early as January, 2013. Thanks, of course, to Obama passing the law which declares pre-exisiting conditions must be covered for children under 18. That's best case scenario.
Worst case is, Romney wins the election and follows through with his plan to
"Let the states take care of their own poor."
Forget for a moment, the condescending attitude that leads one to believe, if you can't afford tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills every year, you're 'poor.' Instead, think about the fact that putting health care into the hands of governors like Rick Scott, is the equivalent of putting the butcher in charge of protecting the cows.

Again, the solution to the health care crisis is very simple: take away congress's benefits and force them to swim in the sewage with the rest of us. I guarantee we'd have government-sponsored, universal coverage, in place by next Tuesday.

Anyone wishing to donate to Ashtyn Montali's charity, Butterfly Dreams, can click the link below.

ashysbutterflydreams.com

On the Eleventh Anniversary of 9/11, Those Who Volunteered Are Still Literally Left in the Dust

Seriously. What's wrong with us? As human beings, we're supposed to be the "highest evolved" species on the planet. As Americans, the thing we seem most highly evolved at, is in thinking of ways to f#ck each other over. Especially, when it involves money.

Whether it's on a Federal level, such as FEMA imposing additional suffering on legitimate victims of Hurricane Katrina, or the city of Los Angeles attempting to extort a measly $1000 ambulance bill from the family of a woman who was electrocuted trying to rescue a fellow motorist in a storm that downed power lines, or the owners of a local towing company in Florida who sent a $300 bill to a woman who was set on fire by her ex, for the removal of both their vehicles, there doesn't seem to be a limit to the lengths some of us will go to if it means avoiding a potential financial loss, no matter how small the amount, or how great the cost to our souls.

That includes denying the now hundreds of chronically ill volunteers who went down to Ground Zero the day after the attacks, not only compensation for their illness, but refusing to simply acknowledge some of them were even there. Because acknowledging it means someone has to pay. And, as if the illnesses and loss of quality of life - and, in some cases, life itself - weren't bad enough, the insurance companies and funds set up to "help" the victims of 9/11, seem, in most situations, to be doing exactly the opposite.

The very next morning, after the events that changed the world forever, and left the lower portion of the greatest city in the world in a twisted, crippled pile of metal and concrete we're still clearing to this day, my friend, Jaime Hazan, a former EMT for six years in New City, N.Y., was down at Ground Zero doing what came naturally to him. Helping to clear the wreckage, and, possibly, maybe even rescue any potential survivors.

He had no idea there would be none. He had no idea the dust and debris he was breathing, even through a mask, and only for a day, would, five years later, lead him to doctor after doctor trying to figure out why, this once healthy, vibrant guy who ran his own tech company, suddenly found it so difficult to breathe he could barely get out of bed. He also had no idea that the words used to describe him in the days and months following the attacks - words like "Hero," and "New York's Bravest," would eventually be replaced with terms like "fraud," and "phony" by lawyers whose job it was to make sure the insurance companies didn't have to pay a dime.

See, while many of the police, fire, and ambulance workers had finally begun to receive a portion of their long-overdue compensation for illnesses they incurred while on the job, guys like Jaime, who were not officially affiliated with any city rescue organization, were asked to prove that they were there. These volunteers ended up in 'No-Man's-Land,' and, even though Article 8A of the New York State Workman's Comp. Act is supposed to make it easier for volunteers to collect the same benefits, try proving you were somewhere five, or even ten years, after the fact. Now, try proving it to an insurance company.

We all recognize and acknowledge that the big insurance companies have to protect themselves from fraud; from those soulless impostors who are single-handedly responsible for our insurance and credit card rates skyrocketing higher each and every year, and who, even (or especially) in the case of disasters which result in the loss of thousands of lives, will try and weasel a few bucks out of the cookie jar for themselves, even if it means the real victims suffer for it. We all readily acknowledge that -mostly because we're the ones footing the bill for it. But, at some point, they, too, must acknowledge that not everyone is a fraud. Not everyone wants to risk jail time and bilk innocent victims out of their due compensation, just to satisfy some sadistic sociopathic need in themselves. And, when the testimony and physical evidence is overwhelming to the point of medical records, affidavits, a leading doctor's official diagnosis, post traumatic stress disorder, a myriad of respiratory issues, esophageal surgery, and massive weight loss, you'd think that would be good enough for them. Well, think again.

Aside from the fact that he was in perfect health before taking part in what was the equivalent of walking around in the aftermath of an atomic bomb, and aside from the fact that, just a few years later, his lungs were now virtually useless, and aside from the fact that the heartburn he was suffering from on a daily basis was so severe, even triple doses of Zantac were an exercise in futility, according to the insurance company, he still needed to come up with "proof."

After leaving Ground Zero, and never thinking in his wildest dreams that, years later, he'd ever be in a situation like this - one where his integrity would continue to be questioned beyond all reasonable limits, he tossed his boots into the garbage. The boots which contained the dust that could've proved he was there. But, as they say, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and the guy Jaime happened to be standing next to that day, - a day of pure chaos and utter disorganization - was capt. John McDonough, an EMT from Rockland County, N.Y., and a former co-worker of Jaime's from back in his EMT days.

They hadn't seen each other in years, and yet, here they were, two former friends meeting again on top of a forty-ft. high, smoldering pile of steel. Both, trying to make sense of it all. Both, heeding their inherent calls to "do something, anything." To help.

It was Capt. McDonough, who Jaime called upon when his word was questioned by the Fund's attorneys, to provide an affidavit to the court stating he was, in fact, there at Ground Zero - "In the Zone" as they call it, - and, thus, should be entitled to the same benefits as any other officially sanctioned rescue worker.

Still, according to Jaime, the other side wouldn't budge. They threw everything they could at him. From trying to argue his benefits should be denied because his EMT card had "expired," to the fact that he didn't actually "rescue" anyone, consequently, he was just there "hanging out."

As the insanity of his legal battle played out before his eyes, and, as this former millionaire web developer who, due to his inability to work for years, now faced financial ruin, another miracle occurred.

Turns out, capt. McDonough's boss was there that day, as well, photographing the site. As a last ditch effort, Jaime asked his friend's boss to scour the hundreds of photos for any possible trace of him on the pile. And he found one. Considering the fog, dust, and debris permeating the air, a needle in a haystack would be an understatement in this particular instance. But, again, the lawyers shot back.

Because the picture he submitted was a profile shot, and he wasn't fully facing the camera, ... and he was wearing a mask (a mask given to him by Capt. McDonough, which probably saved his life), there was still no way to prove it was him.

Believe it or not, in a final attempt to discern whether or not it was, in fact, Jaime in the photo, the judge personally examined the curve of his receding hair line and determined that Jaime was, indeed, "In the Zone."

After finding in his favor, the judge went as far as to admonish the insurance company and its attorneys for showing an unprecedented display of apathy toward a person who had made such a sacrifice for his fellow citizens, and, who was simply asking to be taken care of, on the smallest level, now that he could no longer take care of himself (incidentally, the judgment awarded was for 25k).

In spite of it all, the attorneys recently filed an appeal, and it will be at least another year before Mr. Hazan sees any type of compensation. It's also possible, he may have to go back to court if the appeals process finds for the defense. If that happens, he won't be able to rely on Capt. McDonough, as he unfortunately passed away after a series of mysterious illnesses.

As bizarre as Jaime's story is, it's not unusual for many of the volunteers who've been ignored, and worse, harassed, by the same system supposedly there to help them.

One thing that needs to be mentioned is that, throughout his six-year-long ordeal, Jaime, who, before taking ill, was the CEO of a very successful tech start-up, has tried to remain silent about what was/is happening to him. Not only because his attorneys constantly tell him, if he talks he could jeopardize any possible future payout from the Victim's Compensation Fund, but because he's a guy who was always used to doing things for himself and never asked for a handout, no matter the circumstances. He never viewed himself as a victim. Nor does he now. He simply decided that, in the event he should not be around by the time his case is ultimately decided, he wants to do the right thing for the others who may be experiencing the same level of ambivalence and bureaucracy he's had to endure. Considering the 9/11 Fund was set up in 2010 and still hasn't paid a cent, there's probably a lot of them. Still, in spite of all this, knowing Jaime, he'd probably do it all over again.

And, as we remember the events of that day over a decade ago, which, even twenty years from now, will still probably seem like yesterday, one can only imagine all those people caught, without masks, in the dust cloud that morning. I hope they saved their hankies as proof.



(It's worth noting the Centers of Excellence at Mt. Sinai Hospital in N.Y.C. provides free care to Jaime and other victims of 9/11 through the Zadroga Bill.)



Jaime Hazan (blue t-shirt) stands next to the late Capt. John McDonough (in white)

Feds Ready to Acknowledge Ground Zero/Cancer Link and Human Beings Can't Fly.

After more than a decade of exhaustive tests and research by more than 100 top bio-tech scientists, the federal government appears ready to admit that two of their long-standing positions have been erroneous:

1. There is no link between those who worked to rescue victims at Ground Zero, on and after Sept. 11, 2001, and cancer.

2. Human beings can fly.

"The two tests were run independent of each other and the results just happen to come on the same day," states Dr. James Bader, leader of the 9/11 project and chair of H.C.D.R (the House Committee to Deny Responsibility).

"We tried everything we could to prove that the toxic dust those brave souls were breathing into their lungs on a daily basis, sometimes for months, was no more harmful than a high pollen count on a hot summer day. Unfortunately for us, all 265,000 mice we tested died just days after being exposed to microscopically smaller levels of contaminants. I, myself, tried to prove there was no link by voluntarily inhaling an airborne cocktail of asbestos, ground up metal fibers, computer parts, and fax machines, but... editor's note: Dr. Bader was unable to finish the interview, as he began coughing uncontrollably and was rushed to the hospital.

In an unrelated study, N.A.S.A. has reluctantly agreed to release its top-secret, 365-page report detailing their findings on Human Flight. Rumor has it, hackers working with the infamous document-leaking site, WikiLeaks, were threatening to go public with the report. Apparently, all ten thousand test subjects who applied for the study perished. The one possible breakthrough stated in the report appears to confirm what scientists have long suspected: gravity has the same effect on both males and females. As a result, the report recommends we stick with planes for the time being.

Divided We're Falling; And, I'm part of the problem

If there was anything good to come out of the tragedy of 9/11, it was the instantaneous connection that was born out of all us being victims, of all of us being targeted for our way of life, that seemed to bring each and every one of us together. Republicans. Democrats. Didn't matter. We were all the same. We were all Americans.

In the days, weeks, and even months following the attacks, there was a unity among us the likes of which - unless you were alive at the end of the second world war -most of us had never experienced, and, sadly, given the path we're currently on, may never see again.

I can vividly remember, in late 2001, walking out my building on 110th st. and Broadway and feeling completely bewildered, as total strangers said, "Hi," to each other as they passed on the street like it was Mayberry. People who knew each other for all of five seconds held conversations in bars as if they'd been going there together for years. Here we all were - so different and so far apart, yet, so close for such a brief moment in time - it felt like we could've all burst out in spontaneous song.

So much for nostalgia. The Kool-Aid we apparently drank has long run dry and has been replaced by the considerably less-palatable, castor oil. These days, you can't make it home from the market without hearing at least one passing stranger yell, "Douchebag!"

I don't know about you, but, between the trash-talking reality shows, the trash-talking media, and the three-ring circus that has become our political system, it certainly feels like we're collectively ready to embrace our inevitable fate; that of complete, moral dissolution. We seem to have adopted the mindset of a hundred million plus Slim Pickens'; all strapped to our A-bombs and giddily waving, as we helplessly watch what's left of our decency and respect for each other plunge toward earth, and their certain demise.

What happened to us? How did we fall so far so fast? Was it that we were always this way, and it took a tragedy like 9/11 to shock us into coming together for a few weeks? Or, is this simply the worst it's ever been?

Whatever the answer, all you need do is turn on the television or open a browser to witness the space between us growing wider each day. A space so wide, it makes the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the sidewalk.

Multiple wars on multiple fronts. The economy taking a swan dive. Unemployment hitting record highs. Wall Street executives getting away with billions unpunished. Gas prices skyrocketing, along with oil company profits. Leaders who can't be trusted. Unprecedented infighting amongst our politicians. The media, eager to let us know every time someone, somewhere, fucks up - and, they still can barely keep up.

It's not hard to point to a million reasons why most of us feel this country's on the wrong track. We're practically human pinatas, Pavlovianly conditioned for the next "poke" coming from the next flailing stick, before it even comes. Thus, after seeing story after story of who's screwing you over today, it's only natural to react defensively and adopt an "every man for himself" attitude.

However, as any half-wit knows, no matter how isolated you choose to remain, you can only go so far on your own. It's only when everyone pulls together as a team that we really have a fighting chance to emerge out of a mess like this.

Unfortunately, that's where we run into the real problem. Because, even though it's common knowledge that, if the group is to succeed, its success must be born through the efforts of individuals, yet, no matter how much, I, personally, would like to be one of those individuals, I simply cannot bring myself to do it. I cannot reach across the aisle and offer a proverbial olive branch to the other side, even if it means if we don't we're doomed. Because, simply stated, the other side is bat-shit crazy. And, the sad part is, I'm probably not alone.

As much as most of us would love to see this country back on top and prospering again, and no matter how much we would like to play some small role in the revitalization of it, the majority of us simply cannot bring ourselves to make the effort. And, the reason for that is simple. Our Achilles heel is the modern-day republican party.

It's absolutely mind-boggling that, at a time when we need some seriously rational thinkers, on both sides, the republicans have offered up exactly the opposite: Herman Cains, Sarah Palins, Michelle Bachmanns, Mitt Romneys, Paul Ryans, John Boehners, Todd Akins, Jan Brewers, Rick Scotts, Rick Perrys, Rick Santorums, etc. etc. It's like the credits at the end of some ridiculously bad B-movie; Attack of the Mindless Zealots from Planet Rick.

How can you have a meaningful discussion about anything when the main objective of your adversary is seeing you go down in flames - no matter what the cost? No one wins with that kind of attitude, but, as has been demonstrated time and time again, the republicans just don't give a sh#t. They're even crazy enough to engage in Kamikaze politics on their own battleships. But, why?

Perhaps, it's because they're scared. In the past decade, we've managed to lose most of our status as being the "best" at this or that, in almost every area, and now they're as frightened and paranoid as the manager of a ball club who's gone from first to worst. Yet, like a veteran team who used to bring home the trophies and is now hampered by injuries, high salaries, and lack of production, even though everything around them screams, "A change is needed!" they refuse. Because change is scary, and it takes guts and faith. And, despite all their talking about it, these are the two main things they lack most.

Remember the scene in the movie Contact where the great minds at N.A.S.A. decided they know more about safety in space than the aliens, so they build Jodie Foster a metal seat - complete with seatbelt - in the pod? Within seconds of the launch, the seat shakes so violently, if she didn't released herself, she would've been smashed to bits against the capsule wall. But, once she lets go and trusts the plan, and follows the logical course, she's exposed to wonders she'd never even dreamed of.

The point is, the scientists didn't trust what they didn't understand. Their fear of the unknown almost caused a catastrophe right out of the gate. The republicans are the same way. They don't trust concepts like alternative energy because they don't understand it, and they don't want to. They'd rather keep drilling for oil and gas until the entire planet resembles a practice target at a rifle range, because it's what they know. Forget about the fact that switching to hydro-electric, or solar, power would create more jobs and possibly even lead to unimaginable reserves of energy in the decades to come. They don't want to hear it. Because it takes guts to tell the big auto makers and the Arabs, "we're not going to be dependent on a finite resource like oil anymore."

Old school thinking won't bring our country back to where it was. Nor, will keeping your head in the sand - and talking about "progress" when everyone and their mother knows you're only plan is to maintain the status quo and not rock the boat. Only forward thinking can accomplish that; Health care for everyone, natural resources for energy, the rich paying more taxes than the poor, cutting the defense budget and putting it toward education, labeling harmful foods -especially for children, gun control, etc. etc. All these subjects are simple common sense. Yet, what are the republicans focused on? Defeating gay marriage, moving women's rights back to the dark ages, and making sure Mexicans go back to Mexico. Bravo, gang. You should be proud.

Until a messiah comes along strong enough to withstand the bullshit being hurled at light speed, the soundtrack to our generation won't be a rock band. It'll be the redundantly bitter, spiteful rhetoric, spewing forth, unchecked, from both sides of the aisle - like a pundit version of the Deepwater Horizon. Hopefully, it won't take another disaster to cap it. 'Til then, all we can do is hold on tight and brace for impact.

KKK Sues GOP; Claim Multiple Patent Infringements

In a 48 page complaint filed in federal court this morning, the Selma, Alabama-based White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan have alleged that, during the past eight months of the 2012 presidential nomination campaign, the GOP have repeatedly infringed on over half a dozen patents, which the white supremacist group say they own.

Virgil Cooley, Grand Wizard of the KKK, spoke with members of the media outside his Chik-Fil-A franchise after the suit was filed. "This is an egregious and blatant violation of our rights as Americans, and businessmen. The Klan has spent the better part of the last two centuries crafting and building our brand of fear, discrimination and intimidation of gays, blacks, Jews, Muslims, Mexicans, women, and other minorities too insignificant to even mention here. And, for the GOP to think they can just waltz in and take over our party, is not only illegal, but un-American. We ask the court to grant full restitution."

Mr. Cooley then proceeded to rattle off a list of several of the patents in question:

1. The Hypocritical "U-S-A!" Chant: "Anyone can chant U-S-A! U-S-A!" claims Mr. Cooley. "But, it was the Klan that first put the "hate" behind the once bland, patriotic cheer. Before we came along, that chant did nothing more than announce to anyone within earshot these were a bunch of folks who were proud to be Americans. It wasn't until we turned those cheers into a form of ridicule with hypocrisy, intolerance, and anger, that the half-breeds and scum that currently occupy our homeland finally got the message to KEEP OUT!"

2. Benevolent outward appearance (the "G.F.C" Credo): "Ask anyone on the street; when it comes to projecting a wholesome image of God, family, and community, who are the experts? That's right, we are. The Klan were the first to live and work among our sub-human neighbors during the day as if we were one, big, happy family. Did we ever display our despise for them in public? Of course not. On the contrary, men whose wives baked cookies for the local bake sale, and who were prominent local businessmen, themselves, never let you see so much as a glimpse as to what they'd really like to do to you. No matter what that clown Romney would have you believe, the invention of the friendly and empathetic front is 100% Klan and 0% GOP.

3. Anti-Abortion: "I guess folks need them a little refresher course in their history lesson. It was the Klan that began protesting the killing of white babies in the early 1920's, when it wasn't even fashionable, yet. And, at least we got the guts to admit we don't give a crap what happens to the black and hispanic ones."

4. Using the Bible as an Excuse for Everything: "Once again, it was the Klan who first decided to indiscriminately pick and choose what passages we liked, and didn't like, from the bible, then demand everyone follow along or face our fists. Not all of the commandments, o' course. Just the ones that furthered our agenda."

5. Treating Those Different from You with Scorn and Hate: "This one's the capper. I will be presenting actual super-8 footage from my ninth birthday, back in '58, of my daddy telling me that anyone different from me was to be feared and stopped at all costs. And, that I should use violence, gossip, and innuendo to make sure they didn't pollute my good neighbors' thoughts with their differences." Let's see the GOP challenge that."

6. Out and Out Lying: "C'mon. This is a no-brainer, folks. No one is better at telling a lost, misguided, easily-impressionable soul what they want to hear more than a hate group. Where do you think the GOP get the topics for their endless supply of boldface lies they tell? And, whose instructional DVDs and video tapes do you think they purchased over the past year, online, to teach them how to do it with a straight face? We will be presenting those documents and sales receipts in court, as well."

Mr. Cooley wrapped up his speech by adding, "This is really an open and shut case. Thus, before we begin the lengthy process of a trail, I would like to appeal to the GOP's sense of decency and ask them, from one hate group to another, 'Let's face the facts and man up!' Because, I sure as heck don't wanna live in a world where a bunch of millionaires in fancy suits can come along and steal and plagiarize the methods your granddaddy, and his granddaddy before, spent their lives creating, and use them as if they were their own. I will say this, though; I do admire how they figured out how to do it without the hoods. Those things can get pretty damn hot in the summertime."

The Klan are seeking unspecified monetary damages, and have asked the judge to immediately require their logo and TM be applied to all buttons and propaganda at future GOP rallies.

Hooters CEO Admits Restaurant Chain is Christian Right's Secret Weapon in Forcing Closet Gays "Out"

The Hooters restaurant chain is famous for two things. And neither one of them is on the menu. They claim their popularity is due to the fact that they serve the best burgers and wings in the business. In reality, most folks know it's nothing more than your average pub fare served by incredibly, sexy, well-built women.

In light of the recent fervor caused by Chik-Fil-A CEO, Dan Cathy, denouncing gay marriage, Hooters co-founder, Ron Trench, has come forward in support of the family-oriented chicken franchise and admitted the original motivation behind Hooters was to throw the "kitchen sink" at America's male population, and, hopefully, force the ones in denial, out.

Mr. Trench states, "The worst thing about our country's enemies these days is you never know who they might be. The same goes for homosexuals. Identifying them becomes much easier if they dress and act the way they're supposed to."

Mr. Trench claims to speak from personal experience. "Back in college, I roomed with a guy. Great guy. Freshman year we did everything together. Played golf, went to the beach, etc. One night, we hit a sports bar, had a few beers, and, when I suggested we check out this local strip club I heard about, he comes out and tells me he's gay. I was horrified. Absolutely panic-stricken. Here was a guy I showered with and got dressed in front of for six months! The worst part, was that I was actually thinking of going into business with him. Thus, on the drive home, the idea for Hooters was born. Let's see if we can't drag those 'drags' out into the daylight."

He goes on to say, "The concept behind Hooters was simple. Use All-American guy stuff, e.g., burgers, wings, sports on big screen T.V.'s, etc., to lure guys of all shapes and sizes into our establishments. Then, we hit 'em with sex. When you combine food, sports, booze, and sex, it's a pretty irresistible combination. And, studies show, when you put a 'normal' drunk guy in the presence of a super hot blonde, he will make a total ass out of himself, every time, without fail, e.g., overt flirting, rude and inappropriate comments, drooling, groping, etc. Basically, a good-looking woman will turn any normal male into a babbling, moronic idiot. But, it's the ones that keep their composure, calmly finish their meal, and, odds are, never once sneak a peak at the waitresses ass - or worse - the tie ballgame being broadcast on thirty jumbo screens right in front of his face - that we identify as possible homosexuals and take the appropriate next steps."

According to Mr. Trench, those "next steps" include forwarding the customer's credit card info and home address to underground, right wing think tanks, who then monitor the individual, and, possibly, even go as far as customizing Facebook ads, e.g., a big sale on decorative drapes from Pier One Imports, to see if the user clicks on it.

"At that point, if they take the 'bait,' we know what we're dealing with. They're tagged and followed like penguins. Gay penguins, of course. But, still... And, like I said, it's better to know your enemy than to not. In reality, all we're doing is holding up a mirror and saying "C'mon, look at these women. You're not even the slightest bit aroused. Isn't it time you were honest with yourself?" Not to mention, in some cases, men who've been to our restaurants and have gone home wondering why they never even experienced so much as a twinge in their nether regions, have simply outted themselves. And, obviously, that makes our job much easier. But, the real reward is seeing your hard work paying off, firsthand. I've been to several political rallies where men who've been outted by our restaurant have come up and thanked me."

A spokesman for GLAAD had no comment.

Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and The Ghost of Hitler Join Forces for Family-Aid; The Concert to Benefit Bigotry

Live Aid. Farm Aid. And now, "Family Aid."

It's moments like this that make you proud to be American. When a small, useless minority of second-class citizens threaten to disrupt the nationwide enterprise that is good ole fashioned Fast Food with a touch of hatred, it's inspiring to know a few of our country's bravest leaders will risk their necks, as well as pocketbooks, and, not only speak out in defense of these poor, deep-frying, God-fearing proprietors, but will take action to make sure it ne'er happens again.

That's just what men like Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and, thanks to advancements made in the controversial field of Religious Paranormal Emergency Resuscitation (R.P.E.R.), a Star-Trek-like process in which only those "pure of heart" may ask God to get directly involved in matters where the bible is being challenged and instantly beam a historical figure of their choosing down to assist, the Ghost of Adolf Hitler has arrived to lend a hand.

"It matters not that the doubters say it's just a look-alike in a Nazi uniform," says Reverend James Atchity, founder of the R.P.E.R. Institute. "What matters is that Messrs Santorum and Huckabee now have the spiritual support to continue their never-ending fight to wipe out tolerance wherever it may rear its ugly head." The Rev. does have a point. After all, who better to join them than one of the founding fathers of discrimination, be he real or a paid impersonator?

Other popular Midwestern franchises, such as Jesus Burger and Mother Mary's Meatballs and Subs, have already pledged their support. "We feel it's about time someone came to defend the family and defend hatred," states Tuck Leggard, CEO of Jesus Burger. He then added, "We're not crazy about the word 'Aids' in the title, though. Maybe they can change it to "Family Relief? Although, that might sound like the whole family's takin' a pee."

Janice Summers, a mother of five from Des Moines, IA., who stood online three days to purchase tickets, said, "I'm not sure what all these gays are whinin' about in the first place. Everyone knows eatin' chicken doesn't make you gay. Eatin' pizza does. So, let's clear that myth up once and for all."

Fred Stokes, a lawyer for right-wing Super PAC "Gay Gay Go Away," commented, "Is there something wrong with teaching your kids a little bit of hypocrisy while they eat their lunch? Last I checked, it was a free country - although, if that socialist Obama has his way, we're all doomed. Besides, I'd much prefer a dashboard Jesus with my Happy Meal than some cheap rendition of a washed-up Frog. Screw them Muppets."

Mr. Stokes goes on to say, "If I may, here's two simple pieces of advice for the Gay and Lesbian community."

1.) If you're so upset about not being able to eat at some fried chicken place, instead of crying about it, why not start one yourselves? You could call it "Chik-For-Gay". Done and done.

2.) Please stop referring to yourselves as "Gays and Lesbians." Lesbians are, in fact, gay already, no? Which means, by using that particular calling card, you're basically referring to yourselves as, The 'Gay and gay community.' Instead, why not try something more creative? I'm not creative, so I don't know, but you types are."

Again. Proud to be American.

(As of this publishing, no acts have agreed to perform)

Brian Dunkleman Was Right; How "Idol" -and Shows Like it- Pushed Us Past the Point of No Return

For the better part of the last decade, Brian Dunkleman's name has been synonymous with bonehead moves. He's been used as a punch line from Comedy Central to The Simpsons to Family Guy. Most of time playing off of the fact that, by quitting as co-host of American Idol after its first season, he was the dumbest guy, not only in TV, but in America; the "Pete Best of Prime Time," as Howard Stern once called him.

In writer/director Rod Lurie's political thriller, The Contender, The President, played brilliantly by a cynical-yet-noble Jeff Bridges, states "Sometimes greatness comes in the form of sacrifice. That's the loneliest form." Granted, the guy isn't Joan of Arc. He was just a T.V. host. But, the quote does, in fact, apply in regards to what Dunkleman gave up and had to endure (five years on the Hollywood blacklist) because of what he, personally, didn't want to be a part of.

Here was a guy who saw what was happening to the kids on this new, yet untested, show he was the co-star of and, because of that, he made an incredibly tough, and subsequently, wildly unpopular decision to walk away. Did he know he was sacrificing millions at the time? Probably not. But, the show was a hit and he was the host.

He hasn't spoken about his decision to leave Idol in years, but, somehow, while talking with him last week, I managed to get him to open up about it.

"You have to remember," he said, "this was the first time anyone had ever seen abuse like this on national television. And, it was being done to children. On purpose." He goes on to say, "When American Idol first launched back in the summer of 2002, the most awful thing anyone had seen to that point was a bunch of drunken college kids arguing on The Real World or contestants eating a handful of snakes on Survivor."

We talked about the fact that, since that time, it's not uncommon to watch six-year-old pageant contestants push each other off the stage, mothers who encourage that behavior, teens setting homeless people on fire on Youtube, and bimbos hitting each other in the face with frying pans, in the hopes of winning a date with some rich schmuck who'll dump them five seconds after the cameras stop rolling. And, oh yeah, there's still kids being insulted and humiliated all over the place, but, at this point, we're so desensitized to it it's like coming home to a warm bath. It's where we turn for comfort when Drunken Pregnant Teen Moms becomes a bit too much (we still have some standards). Gone are the days when adults criticizing kids was so shocking it prompted Oprah to devote an entire show to it. These days, at some point or another, most of the same producers have done business with her.

I half-jokingly quipped that perhaps Simon Cowell is responsible for the decay of western civilization as we know it, to which he responded, "Simon's a great guy. He really is. And, while it's obviously never one person's fault, he knew, and knows, exactly what he was doing. But, it wasn't just him. It was all of the show's producers moving their focus away from what was supposed to be the show's goal - of finding undiscovered talent - and, instead, zeroing in on finding undiscovered talent they could make cry. To them, adults making children cry in prime time television was a ratings bonanza. It turned out they weren't wrong. But, I wanted no part of it."

As my dad always says, "Pay me now, or pay me later." Well, when it comes to the hedonistic culture we've carved out for ourselves using the twisted and backwards formula Reality Shows+Social Media+Quick-Buck-Lifestyle=happiness, it certainly seems now is "later." And, boy are we paying. It's almost like the entire country signed up to watch an Anti-Tony Robbins seminar and we're all valedictorian.

Almost every aspect of our lives has been dramatically altered by the one-two punch of reality shows and Twitter, followed closely behind by the incessant barrage of online news telling you who's doing better than you. For most of us at this point, real life does, indeed, seem like a reality show:

Wall St. bandits run off with your money and you're stuck having to work two jobs to buy a tank of gas. Meanwhile, some guy shoots everyone in the house next door to you, and your wife finds out you're cheating on her because your girlfriend tweeted it. In between those wonderful moments, the media bombards us with images of celebrities, tech geeks, athletes, and people who are famous for being drunk who make more in five minutes than you will in your lifetime.

Now, grab a beer - or five- and you're ready to flick on that T.V., or laptop, and curl up with pundits arguing, mob wives arguing, teenagers arguing, wannabe chefs, models, and hairstylists arguing, children crying, or the icing on the cake, some serious-ass beatings on UFC!

Of course, let's not forget the parents of the six-year-old kid who made that video Youtube just took down, who defiantly say they're looking forward to video #2. Of course, they are. To them, the controversy means a potential payday. Forget about the fact it's bordering on child abuse to encourage sexual and suggestive behavior between a first grader and strippers. In the end, it's just another news byte.

The reality is, reality T.V. has completely destroyed our sense of decency toward one another, while causing us to re-prioritize our goals. It's more important now that our favorite couple wins Dancing with the Stars than it is to make sure our kid isn't out there snorting bath salts and eating the neighbor's face off.

Nowhere is this sentiment better represented than in the speech given by "Frank," the anti-hero in director Bobcat Goldthwaite's dark dramedy, God Bless America. In it, Frank talks about how, not only have we lost our morals, we wear our shamelessness as a badge of honor. He talks about how the entire country has become the Colosseum and we're the eager Romans. Constantly pining to see the gladiators fight to the death.

If you step back and look at the stories of cannibalism, kid shootings, setting ex-girlfriends on fire (and the towing company making the burned victim pay for her car removal), cutting people up and mailing their body parts, eating your roommate's heart and brain, and cutting out your own intestines and throwing it at the police, to name just a few, he may have a point.

No matter how old or young we are, we all, to some degree or another, emulate what we see on screens, big or small. Remember the 70s movie, The Warriors? People ran out of the theaters, charged into bathrooms, and ripped the sinks out of the walls. Now, imagine The Warriors is on 24/7 on every channel. That's what it's like today. It's amazing they haven't done Barney gets a Beatdown yet on Sprout.

Is there a link between reality shows and reality? The Washington Post reports 63% of adults think this country is on the wrong track. You can't say that none of that comes from the media. We're not just talking reality shows, either. The selfish, quick and easy way is evident all around us. Just ask a Kardashian.

Practically all music played on the radio sounds like it was written, produced, and released in five minutes to parrot the tone of our culture (Call Me, Maybe!) Movies have gone beyond just being sequel-happy. Forget about parts 2 and 3. Studios have no qualms remaking part 1 over and over again (Spiderman) if it means a quick weekend return. Less work, maybe. Less creativity, brain activity, and art. Absolutely. Sure, there will always be some great artists out there, but now you have to wade through a swamp to find them, and by that time, yer covered from head to toe in you-know-what.

Don't think for a second that the folks down at "City Hall" are above all this insanity. The obvious sad "reality" is, our elected officials, the ones we ask to lead by example, seem dead set on trying to do everything they can to emulate the immature, uncompromising, apathetic behavior emulated by reality shows.
br /> Congress is at a stalemate. The Supreme Court argue like infants. And, stubborn governors openly defy the president, promising to refuse his executive orders, so, "Nyah, nyah, nyah to your health care bill!"

Of course, it's not Simon Cowell's fault. But, giving him, and the Cowellettes, twenty different talent shows on five different networks certainly doesn't help matters much.

The way things are now, we could definitely use a few more Brian Dunkleman's. Not only in entertainment, but in business, politics, education, etc.

You can keep your mega-rich Ryan Seacrest's. I'll take a broke Brian Dunkleman anytime, and twice on Sunday.

"Shorely, You Can't Be Serious." (Residents of Pt. Pleasant Vote for Booze Curfew)

If there's anyone who knows what it's like to live in a noisy part of town, it's yours truly. A few years back, I moved to Hoboken with the hope of avoiding the calamity and insanity of Manhattan. Little did I know the quiet I so desperately desired would be short-lived, as the incessant noises of "progress" began, in earnest, shortly after.

Nowadays, you might as well call the area around my building "Post-War Iraq." With half a dozen new condos going up (as well as a Trader Joe's), the reconstruction of the viaduct linking us to Jersey City (personally, I feel we should sever it), the six-nights-a-week garbage pick up (at 3:30a.m.), and the screaming, drunken stragglers stumbling out of the Biergarten down the street each and every weekend, I think I can identify with the residents of Point Pleasant, N.J., who, in their own desperate attempt for peace and quiet, just voted to cease the sale of alcohol after midnight beginning July 1.

A second part of the law, which would have allowed bars wanting to remain open 'til 2 to pay a sixty-dollar per-person "extortion tax," was voted down.

As much as I empathize with their situation, I have to ask; "Are you Nuts?"

Trading a few extra "theoretical" hours of peace and quiet in exchange for the decimation of a sizable chunk of the town's revenue, just doesn't make sense. Besides, noisy, drunken revelers are as much a part of the tapestry of the Jersey Shore as high rent and sirens are to Manhattan. They've been around longer than the dinosaurs.

In the long run, there's little chance this ordinance will succeed, because the consequences will be too dire.

A few examples of these consequences might be:

a). Many regulars who vacation in Point Pleasant will simply vacate to the surrounding towns.

b). As a result of this mass exodus, revenue will drop considerably, thus, the city council will be forced to raise taxes.

c). When the clock strikes 11:55, patrons will line up ten shots of Patron in order to beat the curfew. This will, no doubt, result in more D.U.I's and raise the risk of injury to residents and tourists alike.

d). Why stop there? If the midnight alcohol ban is successful, the city council will move for a noise ordinance requiring private residences to shut down parties after midnight. The subsequent loss of interest in the Point Pleasant rental market will be substantial.

Perhaps the people of Point Pleasant got the idea for the alcohol curfew from their neighbors in Sea Girt, as they already have a midnight ban on alcohol. The problem is, there are two major differences: One is, Sea Girt is an affluent town and doesn't rely on revenue from its bars to thrive. The second is, Sea Girt only has a few bars to begin with, compared with literally dozens in Point Pleasant. Thus, the financial damage for the city of Point Pleasant will be exponentially greater.

At present, folks in Sea Girt who wish to party past midnight simply jump in a cab and head to one of the surrounding towns. If the same is true for Point Pleasant, the one industry that will undeniably benefit from this curfew will be the taxi companies.

Is Facebook Knowingly Allowing Counterfeit Websites to Access Your Information?

There are scores of unanswered questions when it comes to the kinds of tactics advertisers are using these days to better monitor our shopping habits and the things we 'like.'

Both Apple and Google have already been caught with their pants down, secretly trying to keep tabs on where we go and what we do. There's little doubt, these gigantic companies we're entrusting to protect our data and keep it out of the hands of those who would use it for unfair or illegal purposes can't keep their eyes on everything all the time. They're simply too big and there's too much data being exchanged to hope for that kind of Utopian reality.

For instance, take the area of counterfeit merchandising. The selling of phony, unlicensed goods to unsuspecting consumers through overseas, and sometimes local, websites is one of the world's fastest-growing illegal business scams. In part, because these Internet criminals are using more sophisticated and brazen ways to pinpoint and target what you may currently be in the market for.

Case in point, apparently Facebook (surprise) is once again on the hot-seat for allowing sites that sell counterfeit merchandise to run rampant through its backyard, all while under the guise of a legitimate "umbrella" marketing company. The kicker here being the biggest alleged umbrella is in China. And, as most of us know, due to its networking potential, Facebook is currently illegal in China.

However, according to Eric Feinberg, founder of F.A.K.E. (Fans Against Kounterfeit Enterprise), a little government censorship's not stopping companies based in mainland China from marketing their services to companies - both legitimate, and fraudulent - worldwide.

"We have concrete proof that Facebook is not only allowing, but obviously, profiting, off the monitoring of its users by companies whose sole purpose is to take that data and use it to sell you counterfeit merchandise."

According to Feinberg, the main suspect in this case is a Shanghai-based marketing giant called adSage. Founded by former Microsoft adCenter programmer/manager, ZhaoHui Tang, adSage is the official partner of Facebook as it tries to claw its way into the lucrative, and virtually untapped, Chinese marketplace. adSage boasts over 3000 clients worldwide. Some are legitimate - such as Lever Bros. and top Chinese search engine, Baidu, - and some are not. These 'nots' are illegal overseas businesses which sign up for the same Facebook targeted marketing campaigns as the real guys. What supposedly happens next is exactly what Facebook says it's not doing; the covert monitoring of your activity and posts, and the mining of your data, which is then sent to these clients and used to create customized "clickable" ads specifically pertaining to what you just discussed or posted, as recently as twenty minutes ago. And, if these con-artists are willing to sell you bogus goods without blinking, imagine what else they're doing with your data.

The problem here is two-fold: Obviously, being sent links from illegal companies posing as the real deal is one. The other, is the massive ethical and fiduciary responsibility Facebook is potentially violating by allowing adSage, and companies like it, to tap into its application's software code and track your movements without your knowledge. This process even has a name: A.F.P. "adSage For Performance." Which, the company website boldly boasts, "means quicker classification and behavior of the user... which is then available in a fraction of the time to adSage's analytical team." Or, loosely translated, "We can tell you who they are, where they are, and exactly what they're looking for, in about ten minutes."

Feinberg, who designs and manages numerous Facebook fan/promotional pages for various professional sports teams, claims when he mentions the Pro Bowl funny things begin happening. "The Pro Bowl takes place in Hawaii, so Facebook and its marketers think I live in Hawaii, thus, within minutes, adds for all things Hawaiian begin appearing on my page. Not to mention the deluge of counterfeit NFL merchandise." Kay'Lee Wells, one of Feinberg's associates, experimented by changing her profile pic to a bag by designer Louis Vuitton, and, the very next day, she began seeing ads for counterfeit Louis Vuitton bags. "Whenever I changed my cover photo or made comments about certain things, ads would pop up," she added.

You don't need a Ph.D. from Stanford to see the long-term implications of guerrilla tactics such as these are much scarier than buying a fake Green Bay Packers jersey. For instance, a new virus has recently appeared which targets your browser, not your hard drive, making it virtually impossible to detect. How does it spread? Clicking on a link. It's a sobering thought knowing even the companies who swear up and down they're not selling your data might not even be aware they're doing it. If, in fact, they are aware, that's another subject, entirely.

Bottom line, no matter who they are or what they're doing with our information, three things are for certain:

1. Congress is light years behind technology with regard to the passage of new laws and the creation of more rigid parameters that can better keep up with, and better regulate, this constantly-evolving medium. But, who are we kidding? By the time the 'Hatfields' and 'McCoys' agree on what to have for breakfast, a hundred new websites have already launched, looking to steal your information, and/or identity, and doing it with technology that was state-of-the-art yesterday but is obsolete, today. It's the socio-political equivalent of a Keystone Cop trotting along in a horse and buggy and being blown away by an army of passing Lamborghinis. How will he ever catch them? Factor in the problem of international prosecution and you've got yourself one heck of a virtual nut to crack.

2. Facebook is the biggest entity the online world, and possibly the entire world, has ever seen. And yet, with all the potential pitfalls of identity theft, stalking, harassment, pedophilia, credit card fraud, application hacking, counterfeiters, new browser viruses, and a litany of other potential nightmares from a now publicly-traded company, the fact that there's not a single human being you can call for assistance is simply beyond belief.

3. Tang Zhaohui just might be the modern day Freddy Krueger.

(surprisingly, no one at Facebook was available for comment.)

Excerpt From Awesome Hate Mail

(love the fact he spelled 'paid' p-a-y-e-d.)

I was just treated to the typical vitriolic bile put forth by your "writer/producer/musician" (i.e. probably unemployed or someones boyfriend) David Fagin, in his article entitled "Have You No Decency Sirs (An open letter to the GOP). Without wasting my time countering the perfunctory liberal idiocy in this editorial, I find it incomprehensible that you would cho...ose to publish an amateurish diatribe such as this which, although not be taken seriously by anyone with half a brain, is still a gross insult to conservatives, who in case you haven't taken notice, are by far the dominant political affiliation of most doctors and upper level health professionals. I would assume that you wish to attract advertisers and new readers to your publication. Nothing like insulting those who you desire to spend money advertising in your newspaper. I would think that not pissing off those with whom you wish to do business would be taught on the first day of Marketing 101. Were I one of the doctors or health care organizations that payed good money to advertise in your publication, I would be infuriated that my advertisement was heralded by this kind of liberal stupidity, and would demand a refund . There is a bright side to this however, as the decline in readership will consume less paper and save a couple of trees, which I'm sure will make your liberal friend Mr. Fagin feel all warm and fuzzy.

J. Michael Digney, D.D.S.

Dear Girls Under 30: Why Must You Be So Mean?

What's going on with you? I'm here. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you. Are you afraid to show your true selves? Do you think your peers will ostracize you if you're nice to strangers, or you show up to the club in flip-flops instead of the six-inch "One blockers" your clique are all sporting?

There I was, sitting in a bar in Hoboken. My date gets up to use the bathroom, and, not two seconds later, two other, much younger girls come over and one plops right down in her seat -- even though her pocket book was on the bar and her jacket was on the chair. So, I politely say, "Excuse me, my friend's coming back. She just went to the bathroom." I fully expected the usual "No problem. We just want a drink." Instead, to my total shock, the girl looked me dead in the eye and coldly replied -- in the nastiest, "What are you gonna do about it" tone -- "So?"

Walking through downtown Hoboken later that night, and watching the hordes of young, attention-hungry females strutting around in pants they don't fit in and shoes they can't walk in, I became despondent -- not only for the poor souls who might, one day, end up fathering a child with these misguided ladies -- but, more so, for the girls themselves; not to mention, society, in general.

Where did it all go wrong? How did the Saturday night social scene end up turning into a cosmetically altered version of The Hunger Games? I'm not just talking about the Guidos/Guidettes one might find in Hoboken. Everywhere you go these days, N.Y., L.A., Amish country, wherever, it feels like you're trapped in some B movie called Attack of the Nasty Stepford Girls. You can literally feel the rudeness and insincerity seething from their pores. And, ironically, in their quest to be the most attractive, the most popular, the most unique, and the most desirable, these personality-deficient fembots succeed only in becoming carbon copies of each other. And, not in a positive way.

Girls will always want to outcool and outshine each other, but, since when did they begin dressing so poorly and behaving so badly?

Granted, I'm 44, so, it could easily be that I've caught the "generation disease" from my folks, and, instead of waking up one day hating rock music (which I'm still terrified will happen), I woke up and realized women under 30 might as well be aliens.

I don't listen to their music, don't understand their text abbreviations, cannot even fathom why they need to display their feathers in such an obvious and unflattering way, and thus, am completely, yet blissfully, unattracted to them in every way, shape, and form. Not all of them, of course, but a large enough percentage of the demographic to prompt this letter/query.

And, why does it seem like this segment of the population is multiplying like a fungus on a piece of cheese? Again, maybe I'm too old to appreciate rudeness, catty looks, horribly bad make-up jobs, and shoes that make even the sturdiest of women look like new-born giraffes, but something is definitely wrong.

I hate to say it, but, "In my day," I simply can't remember girls, in general, being this nasty as a general rule. Twenty years ago, the worst thing a "mean girl" ever did was sleep with your boyfriend and show up at school the next day wearing his varsity jersey. Now, it seems, each night, there's at least a dozen incidents of women looking for a reason to smash glass or dump beer on each other, as if they were men, then, victoriously storm off to the diner to laugh about it. "Wha hap'n?"

From an observer's p.o.v., it definitely appears the onslaught of low-brow garbage spewed forth by every cable channel and magazine under the sun, combined with the constant Instagrams of "You're not cool unless you're drunk by a pool in South Beach!" has told most young women of today they need to carry themselves in a manner which suggests they're porn stars and their brains are fried, just like their television idols. Most women these days, even some married ones, come off as subtle as a piano dropping on your head. They leave about as much to the imagination as a Jenna Jameson marathon.

Though, it's not entirely their fault. The ever-widening gap of human interaction brought on by social media has apparently not only altered the part of our brains that affect how we relate to each other socially, but also, physically. When it comes to attracting the opposite sex, everything has to be immediate gratification. Perfectly fake boobs, perfectly coiffed hair, perfectly tanned skin, perfectly picked out dress (two sizes too small), and a pair of perfectly trendy, incredibly uncomfortable shoes. Lay one of these girls down flat and you could incur severe tire damage.

On the bright side, while it's incredibly depressing to see what a large percentage of the country's youth have been reduced to, these sadly desperate, fashion victims, who walk around pretending they're the guest of honor in their own reality shows, make it easier for those of us with even the slightest bit of class and taste to spot the good ones, as they can't help but stand out like a sore thumb in their loose-yet-cool ripped blue jeans, Yankees jersey and flip flops. Of course, they're probably mean, too, but I don't have the guts to find out.

There's already one Kim K., ladies -- and that's one too many. Make your own 'reality.'

Where Have We Seen This Before?

By now, most of us have heard "Golden Dawn," the Greek Neo-Nazi party who claim they're not Neo-Nazis, shocked, not only the Greeks, but the rest of the world, by winning close to 7% in Greece's parliamentary elections - meaning they will be sending around 21 deputies to parliament in the coming months.

Running on a campaign based around anti-immigration, anti-austerity, and all-around fear, Golden Dawn's leader, Nikolaos Mihaloliakos (try saying that five times fast) took advantage of his country's economic and social hopelessness to instill his message of hate to the masses. And, he was sadly rewarded. Fascist salutes, and all.

After the decimation of the German economy in the 1930s, another man ran on almost the exact same platform; blaming immigrants and "outsiders" for his country's problems, capitalizing on the current government's ineptitude and inability to produce any kind of meaningful change, and re-infusing a belief in national pride. Not to mention, promising to simply "cleanse" the country of the outsiders once he was in power.

If news traveled then as fast as it does now, would it have mattered? Maybe, maybe not. But, it certainly will be interesting to see how this situation develops. One would hope the majority of Greeks recognize the slippery slope their country is standing on at this moment in time. It's very easy to say "Ah, that'll never happen again." But, who knows? A few thousand immigrants killed or deported here, a little more power there, the United Nations taking years to decide how to act... and, presto!, by 2016, Greece is now Libya w/ nicer beaches.

In dire circumstance, most people will agree to almost anything if it means their lives will get a little better, even if it means ultimately turning a blind eye to crimes against humanity. Of course, it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time to nurture a Big Brother.

Look at any dictator from Hitler to Stalin to Mussolini, and they all come from the same place: The promise of radical change to a vanquished people devoid of hope. Mihaloliakos' motto seems to be, "Ask not, what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you!" He realizes his people are tired of living the other way with zero sign of reciprocity. So, "Why not be selfish and hate? You've tried everything else."

For most of us, when we are broke and hungry and angry and weak, we are tremendously vulnerable to the voice that might provide a quick remedy to the situation, e.g., sending a security detail to walk your elderly mother home through crime-infested streets at night. That one, simple act, - compared to feeling like your voice is lost - could prove all that's necessary for a vote of confidence in the next election - don't worry about what the consequences might be down the line, e.g., perhaps they make you begin paying for that protection, beating up your friends and neighbors who refuse, etc., - but, hey, for the time being, they understand your frustrations. When there's no money to feed your children, no job to give you the money you need, and no one seems to give a damn, you can't help but feel it's all about "Me, Me, Me." It comes down to a question of survival.

But, if, at this critical juncture, the Greeks who think this fascist meatball is the answer to their prayers, would pause for just a moment, history could teach them a great lesson and save them years of additional pain and heartache. All they need to do is open a text book to see, the one thing about a people uniting around hate is, it never produces anything but more hate. It can't. Whether you're an individual or a society, you can never get good from bad. Especially when you blame others for your problems.

By now, most of us know, racism isn't born. It's taught. Case in point, Denis Leary's poignant quote "I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list."

No doubt, Mihaloliakos, and every single one of his menacing, shaved-headed followers hate and blame because, somewhere along the line, they were taught to hate and blame. Now, seeing their opening, they stand on Mt. Olympus beckoning others toward their cause with the same hatred and blame. Unfortunately, not everyone can be strong enough to resist the easy way out during times of crisis. That's called "character." Some people possess it, some people are one. Mihaloliakos is definitely the latter.

If the Greek people, in their quest for their own, personal salvation, choose to ignore the "downside" of electing a party based on hate, they will, once again, only have themselves to blame. And, of course, then it will be time for another type of "bailout."

A Top 10 List of Other Things Gingrich Refuses to Give Up On.

Isn't it just a shame when everyone but you knows it's over? I'm all for the "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings" attitude, but, when others are hurt due to your stubbornness, (e.g., costing tax payers tens of thousands of dollars a day for your secret service detail, continuing to add millions in debt w/ each passing day, etc.), it's time you realized, the fat lady is dressed, showered, and left for the after party an hour ago.

There's a lot to be said for not quitting at something, but there's also a lot to be said for knowing when to quit. And, both scenarios require an individual just as brave. Mr. Gingrich was the last to realize his battle for the presidency ended months ago, yet, he selfishly refused to acknowledge reality, and, instead, continued to run up huge bills for private jets, consulting fees paid to his wife and daughter, and dinners at Spago. That makes him the last to the party, and, no doubt, leaves the taxpayers, once again, footing the bill (if you think fund raisers with the guy who lost the GOP nomination - again - will pay it all back, you're dreaming). Someone call the producers of American Greed. Anyhoo, here's a list of the top ten things the 'Newtster' still hasn't given up on:

10. Slimfast
9. Marriage
8. Adultery
7. New Foghat Album
6. President of China
5. Hypocrisy
4. Nepotism
3. Non-working Woodshop Elephant Trunk Lamp
2. Beatles Reunion
1. Spending other people's money/ruining the Gingrich family name (tie)

Have You No Decency, Sirs? (An Open Letter to the GOP)

Fifty years ago, when an exasperated Joseph Welch defiantly interrupted the drunk-with-power chief inquistor, sen. Joe McCarthy, and asked, "Have you no decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?," the entire gallery burst into applause, signifying an abrupt end to an era of leaders who had abandoned their oaths in exchange for their own, personal glorification.

In light of recent events, one might say, it's once again time for that question to be dusted off and poised to the entire GOP.

As we've come to expect, the House passage of the Ryan Bill, which, at its core, is nothing more than the GOP's latest installment of How to Cut the Deficit by Helping the Rich and F&%king the Poor, is filled with all the usual ridiculousness brought on behalf of a party that's been deemed "the farthest right they've been in a hundred years." And, if that wasn't bad enough, this time, they're trying to do it on the backs of the sick and the elderly.

The republican plan to cut 6.1 trillion dollars in spending does not ask for a single cent from the richest class. Nor, do they ask for a dime from the defense budget or the big oil companies. Nope. All the spending cuts designed to "save our children's future" will come from the pockets and protection of health care, because, that's where the "real" problems lie.

The republicans of today have no problem whacking medicaid by 1/3, thereby exposing future generations of seniors to financial ruin, while leaving the rest of us to rely on "vouchers," which - surprise - decrease in value over time. Seeing just how far they can go, they continue their assault on reason by suggesting we cut taxes for the upper class, and put them back to where they were when their ole pal "W." was in office.

Is it possible that an entire group of people are this clueless? The early 20th century political journalist, H.L. Menckin, probably said it best when he said, "Not all conservatives are stupid, but all stupid people are conservative."

It's no secret, republicans today are unabashed in their shameful quest to protect the wealthy and the titans of industry. They're so far "off the grid" at the moment, it's easy to believe it would be even more gratifying if this could be achieved while simultaneously taking away what little remaining security those who've worked a lifetime have left.

A good word to define this type of "modern political virus" might be McConnellism. Thus, is there a more appropriate response to this willful abandonment, by virtually an entire political party, of representing their constituents to the best of their abilities, other than, "Have you no decency, sirs? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?" Shame on the lot of you. You are no different than the traitors in Braveheart who, for a price, turned William Wallace over to the crown.

But, the democrats don't get off so easy.

Instead of calling the GOP out on their ever-increasing, reprehensible, lack of morality -which borders on plain evil - the dems seem content to debate each of these preposterous issues on merit, thereby legitimizing them. Which raises the question, "Who's worse? The idiot? Or, the one who argues with the idiot?"

Lest we forget, this is a party that, just in the past decade, has given us such memorable gifts as Bush/Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, and now, the "Three Stooges;" McConnell, Boehner, and Ryan, - and, still, where is our "Joseph Welch?" It certainly seems he/she/they will have to come from the underground, as, our current leaders seem to be too busy going tit-for-tat with idiots. And, in the end, guess who pays the price for that?

GOP Unites Behind Women's Euthanization Bill

Representatives from all three major GOP candidates have confirmed each party has thrown his full support behind a new bill that would require the euthanizing of all women over the age of thirty who are childless. Monica Whitters, spokesperson for the Santorum campaign, says "Mr. Santorum can understand the value of a woman who is of child-bearing age, but he also recognizes the waste of precious resources they consume if they pass their prime and just 'take up space.'"

Spokespeople for both Romeny and Gingrich echoed those sentiments, as did Justice Clarence Thomas. "If a woman hasn't popped a few out by the time she's thirty, her only function is to make you miserable and ruin your confirmation hearing," said Thomas.

Others feel differently. "Maybe give 'em 'til they're thirty-five," says Mike Tedesco, an unemployed truck driver from Georgia. "You know, because that whole forty-is-the-new-thirty thing."

"It's ridiculous." said Carmine Vacca, a New Jersey plumber. "Who would I call to fix me and my friends snacks on Sundays?"

Steven Cochrane, spokesperson for Newt's Nuts, the Gingrich PAC, offered, ""Gas and food prices are higher than they've ever been. Do we, as Americans, really want, or need, women driving around and eating, while shunning their duties under the eyes of God? Not to mention, how many accidents do they cause sitting in traffic putting on makeup?"

The new legislation, initiated by House Oversight chairman, Darrell Issa, has women's groups up-in-arms. "This is preposterous," states Kathy Thornton, chairman of KWA -Keep Women Alive. "There are plenty of women over thirty who don't have children, are contributing members of society, and who don't wear makeup. I don't have my facts in front of me, but I can get them for you."

One part of the bill the candidates can't seem to agree on, is women who've reached their 30th birthday and who are eligible for termination, but are pregnant. This one area threatens to divide even the staunchest pro-lifers into two sides. "Governor Romney believes, if a woman is over thirty and pregnant, she should at least be allowed to have the baby," states David Shapero, a Romney insider. "Once the baby is born, the state is free to remove her."

Speaking to a packed room of supporters at Bellevue this morning, Rick Santorum said, "The law is the law. As much as I hate to see the taking of an unborn life, if a woman hasn't procreated by thirty, she's obviously a whore, and her offspring will, no doubt, posses the same genes. Thus, in this case, I would make an exception."

Republicans say that, if passed, in five years time, they will move toward an amendment striking the over-thirty clause and eliminating all females in the womb. "Science is very close to being able to replicate the human birth cycle," states Congressman Issa. "My son almost did it with his chemistry set, thus, once we can effectively mass-produce a fetus from a test tube, there won't be any reason at all for women to exist. Except to shop."

The bill has already garnered the support of the Vatican, the Dept. of Motor Vehicles, and men with credit card debt. Detractors include: Bloomingdales, United Chocolate Makers of America, and women.

A spokesperson for Ron Paul said he supported the bill, too, but nobody cared.

If We Were Keeping Score, Would Al-Qaeda Be Winning?

If the War on Terror was a baseball game, what inning would it be? Maybe, around the top of the seventh. The score? Probably, 10-8 in their favor.

Here's how it breaks down:

Opening Day Sept. 11, 2001.

Top of the First:
Al Qaeda hits a grand slam to open the game. Immediate meeting on the mound. Pitcher says he's fine. They just made him mad.
4-0

Bottom of the First:
We're shocked by the fact they rocked our pitcher in the first inning, but, in true form, we answer right back. A flurry of singles and stolen bases in the bottom of the inning displace the Taliban from their stronghold in Afghanistan and sends Bin Laden on the run.
4-1

Top of the Second:
With two men on, they pinch hit with a shoe-bomber and a he lines one up the middle, scoring two and causing airport screenings to be changed forever.
6-1

Bottom of the Second:
Bin Laden's reportedly somewhere in the stadium, but security can't find him. Meanwhile, they strike out the side, as the cost of the war - in both dollars and lives - begins to take its toll.
6-1

Top of the Third:
They rejoice at home plate, as our now considerably-rattled pitcher and catcher screw up a senseless pick-off play they'll be talking about for years: We accuse Saddam Hussein of having weapons of mass destruction, and don't want to let him get to second base. Everyone at home knows Saddam is too slow to steal second, nonetheless, the catcher, forgetting the real danger at third, calls for the pick-off, anyway, and the pitcher throws wild - sending the ball into the stands and the runner from third, home. (On the very next play, Saddam would be hit in the head by the pitcher - in yet another pick-off attempt - and taken out of the game.)
7-1

Bottom of the Third:
Our pitcher mistakenly thinks the end of the second inning is the end of the game, and declares victory. His teammates tell him it's not the end, and we're losing. In spite of that blunder, we manage to score a pair of hard-earned, diplomatic runs, by sending drones into Pakistan and turning the once anti-U.S. nation into an ally.
7-3

Top of the Fourth:
Al-Qaeda sneakily pulls a squeeze play and kills fifty-two in London while injuring seven hundred more. That's it. Meeting on the mound. You can tell our pitcher's tired. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, we bring in a new, hotshot, rookie pitcher -and catcher, as well. They quickly get us out of the inning.
8-3

Bottom of the Fourth:
We open the frame by banning torture and hit a line drive over the right field wall.
8-4

Top of the Fifth:
Al-Qaeda answers our switch by calling on a slugger from their triple-A team in Uganda. He hits the first pitch he sees over the center field fence, leaving seventy-four dead, and as many injured, at the World Cup in Kampala.
9-4

Bottom of the Fifth:
We load the bases with nobody out, yet, sadly, fail to score. But, our new pitcher has given us revitalized life. The crowd can sense a renewed feeling of hope.
9-4

Top of the Sixth:
It's been years since 9/11 and Bin Laden is still stealing signals from the dugout. This rattles our once-steady pitcher, as he loads the bases and walks in a run. The crowd boos. They want him gone, too.
10-4

Bottom of the Sixth:
With two outs, and the bases loaded, we leave the young, stud pitcher in to hit for himself. You can almost hear every fan at home screaming into their T.V.'s. It's a seemingly ridiculous move even the announcers are questioning. No one can really be sure who's in that house in Pakistan. There could be women, children, no one, etc. But, with two strikes on him, the lanky, humble pitcher from Hawaii, changes the course of history and rockets one into the upper deck that would still be going had it not hit the lights. Grand slam. The place goes bonkers.
10-8

Top of the Seventh:
After their manager is thrown out of the game, Al-Qaeda comes to bat looking nothing like they did the previous six innings, and they go down in order.
10-8

Time for a commercial.

That's where it stands at the moment. No doubt, a real nail-biter.

If and when the troops finally leave Afghanistan, it will be the seventh inning stretch. God only knows what the top of the eighth has in store. But, we have a pretty good bullpen.