Hooters CEO Admits Restaurant Chain is Christian Right's Secret Weapon in Forcing Closet Gays "Out"

The Hooters restaurant chain is famous for two things. And neither one of them is on the menu. They claim their popularity is due to the fact that they serve the best burgers and wings in the business. In reality, most folks know it's nothing more than your average pub fare served by incredibly, sexy, well-built women.

In light of the recent fervor caused by Chik-Fil-A CEO, Dan Cathy, denouncing gay marriage, Hooters co-founder, Ron Trench, has come forward in support of the family-oriented chicken franchise and admitted the original motivation behind Hooters was to throw the "kitchen sink" at America's male population, and, hopefully, force the ones in denial, out.

Mr. Trench states, "The worst thing about our country's enemies these days is you never know who they might be. The same goes for homosexuals. Identifying them becomes much easier if they dress and act the way they're supposed to."

Mr. Trench claims to speak from personal experience. "Back in college, I roomed with a guy. Great guy. Freshman year we did everything together. Played golf, went to the beach, etc. One night, we hit a sports bar, had a few beers, and, when I suggested we check out this local strip club I heard about, he comes out and tells me he's gay. I was horrified. Absolutely panic-stricken. Here was a guy I showered with and got dressed in front of for six months! The worst part, was that I was actually thinking of going into business with him. Thus, on the drive home, the idea for Hooters was born. Let's see if we can't drag those 'drags' out into the daylight."

He goes on to say, "The concept behind Hooters was simple. Use All-American guy stuff, e.g., burgers, wings, sports on big screen T.V.'s, etc., to lure guys of all shapes and sizes into our establishments. Then, we hit 'em with sex. When you combine food, sports, booze, and sex, it's a pretty irresistible combination. And, studies show, when you put a 'normal' drunk guy in the presence of a super hot blonde, he will make a total ass out of himself, every time, without fail, e.g., overt flirting, rude and inappropriate comments, drooling, groping, etc. Basically, a good-looking woman will turn any normal male into a babbling, moronic idiot. But, it's the ones that keep their composure, calmly finish their meal, and, odds are, never once sneak a peak at the waitresses ass - or worse - the tie ballgame being broadcast on thirty jumbo screens right in front of his face - that we identify as possible homosexuals and take the appropriate next steps."

According to Mr. Trench, those "next steps" include forwarding the customer's credit card info and home address to underground, right wing think tanks, who then monitor the individual, and, possibly, even go as far as customizing Facebook ads, e.g., a big sale on decorative drapes from Pier One Imports, to see if the user clicks on it.

"At that point, if they take the 'bait,' we know what we're dealing with. They're tagged and followed like penguins. Gay penguins, of course. But, still... And, like I said, it's better to know your enemy than to not. In reality, all we're doing is holding up a mirror and saying "C'mon, look at these women. You're not even the slightest bit aroused. Isn't it time you were honest with yourself?" Not to mention, in some cases, men who've been to our restaurants and have gone home wondering why they never even experienced so much as a twinge in their nether regions, have simply outted themselves. And, obviously, that makes our job much easier. But, the real reward is seeing your hard work paying off, firsthand. I've been to several political rallies where men who've been outted by our restaurant have come up and thanked me."

A spokesman for GLAAD had no comment.