It's moments like this that make you proud to be American. When a small, useless minority of second-class citizens threaten to disrupt the nationwide enterprise that is good ole fashioned Fast Food with a touch of hatred, it's inspiring to know a few of our country's bravest leaders will risk their necks, as well as pocketbooks, and, not only speak out in defense of these poor, deep-frying, God-fearing proprietors, but will take action to make sure it ne'er happens again.
That's just what men like Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and, thanks to advancements made in the controversial field of Religious Paranormal Emergency Resuscitation (R.P.E.R.), a Star-Trek-like process in which only those "pure of heart" may ask God to get directly involved in matters where the bible is being challenged and instantly beam a historical figure of their choosing down to assist, the Ghost of Adolf Hitler has arrived to lend a hand.
"It matters not that the doubters say it's just a look-alike in a Nazi uniform," says Reverend James Atchity, founder of the R.P.E.R. Institute. "What matters is that Messrs Santorum and Huckabee now have the spiritual support to continue their never-ending fight to wipe out tolerance wherever it may rear its ugly head." The Rev. does have a point. After all, who better to join them than one of the founding fathers of discrimination, be he real or a paid impersonator?
Other popular Midwestern franchises, such as Jesus Burger and Mother Mary's Meatballs and Subs, have already pledged their support. "We feel it's about time someone came to defend the family and defend hatred," states Tuck Leggard, CEO of Jesus Burger. He then added, "We're not crazy about the word 'Aids' in the title, though. Maybe they can change it to "Family Relief? Although, that might sound like the whole family's takin' a pee."
Janice Summers, a mother of five from Des Moines, IA., who stood online three days to purchase tickets, said, "I'm not sure what all these gays are whinin' about in the first place. Everyone knows eatin' chicken doesn't make you gay. Eatin' pizza does. So, let's clear that myth up once and for all."
Fred Stokes, a lawyer for right-wing Super PAC "Gay Gay Go Away," commented, "Is there something wrong with teaching your kids a little bit of hypocrisy while they eat their lunch? Last I checked, it was a free country - although, if that socialist Obama has his way, we're all doomed. Besides, I'd much prefer a dashboard Jesus with my Happy Meal than some cheap rendition of a washed-up Frog. Screw them Muppets."
Mr. Stokes goes on to say, "If I may, here's two simple pieces of advice for the Gay and Lesbian community."
1.) If you're so upset about not being able to eat at some fried chicken place, instead of crying about it, why not start one yourselves? You could call it "Chik-For-Gay". Done and done.
2.) Please stop referring to yourselves as "Gays and Lesbians." Lesbians are, in fact, gay already, no? Which means, by using that particular calling card, you're basically referring to yourselves as, The 'Gay and gay community.' Instead, why not try something more creative? I'm not creative, so I don't know, but you types are."
Again. Proud to be American.
(As of this publishing, no acts have agreed to perform)
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