Hooters CEO Admits Restaurant Chain is Christian Right's Secret Weapon in Forcing Closet Gays "Out"

The Hooters restaurant chain is famous for two things. And neither one of them is on the menu. They claim their popularity is due to the fact that they serve the best burgers and wings in the business. In reality, most folks know it's nothing more than your average pub fare served by incredibly, sexy, well-built women.

In light of the recent fervor caused by Chik-Fil-A CEO, Dan Cathy, denouncing gay marriage, Hooters co-founder, Ron Trench, has come forward in support of the family-oriented chicken franchise and admitted the original motivation behind Hooters was to throw the "kitchen sink" at America's male population, and, hopefully, force the ones in denial, out.

Mr. Trench states, "The worst thing about our country's enemies these days is you never know who they might be. The same goes for homosexuals. Identifying them becomes much easier if they dress and act the way they're supposed to."

Mr. Trench claims to speak from personal experience. "Back in college, I roomed with a guy. Great guy. Freshman year we did everything together. Played golf, went to the beach, etc. One night, we hit a sports bar, had a few beers, and, when I suggested we check out this local strip club I heard about, he comes out and tells me he's gay. I was horrified. Absolutely panic-stricken. Here was a guy I showered with and got dressed in front of for six months! The worst part, was that I was actually thinking of going into business with him. Thus, on the drive home, the idea for Hooters was born. Let's see if we can't drag those 'drags' out into the daylight."

He goes on to say, "The concept behind Hooters was simple. Use All-American guy stuff, e.g., burgers, wings, sports on big screen T.V.'s, etc., to lure guys of all shapes and sizes into our establishments. Then, we hit 'em with sex. When you combine food, sports, booze, and sex, it's a pretty irresistible combination. And, studies show, when you put a 'normal' drunk guy in the presence of a super hot blonde, he will make a total ass out of himself, every time, without fail, e.g., overt flirting, rude and inappropriate comments, drooling, groping, etc. Basically, a good-looking woman will turn any normal male into a babbling, moronic idiot. But, it's the ones that keep their composure, calmly finish their meal, and, odds are, never once sneak a peak at the waitresses ass - or worse - the tie ballgame being broadcast on thirty jumbo screens right in front of his face - that we identify as possible homosexuals and take the appropriate next steps."

According to Mr. Trench, those "next steps" include forwarding the customer's credit card info and home address to underground, right wing think tanks, who then monitor the individual, and, possibly, even go as far as customizing Facebook ads, e.g., a big sale on decorative drapes from Pier One Imports, to see if the user clicks on it.

"At that point, if they take the 'bait,' we know what we're dealing with. They're tagged and followed like penguins. Gay penguins, of course. But, still... And, like I said, it's better to know your enemy than to not. In reality, all we're doing is holding up a mirror and saying "C'mon, look at these women. You're not even the slightest bit aroused. Isn't it time you were honest with yourself?" Not to mention, in some cases, men who've been to our restaurants and have gone home wondering why they never even experienced so much as a twinge in their nether regions, have simply outted themselves. And, obviously, that makes our job much easier. But, the real reward is seeing your hard work paying off, firsthand. I've been to several political rallies where men who've been outted by our restaurant have come up and thanked me."

A spokesman for GLAAD had no comment.

Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and The Ghost of Hitler Join Forces for Family-Aid; The Concert to Benefit Bigotry

Live Aid. Farm Aid. And now, "Family Aid."

It's moments like this that make you proud to be American. When a small, useless minority of second-class citizens threaten to disrupt the nationwide enterprise that is good ole fashioned Fast Food with a touch of hatred, it's inspiring to know a few of our country's bravest leaders will risk their necks, as well as pocketbooks, and, not only speak out in defense of these poor, deep-frying, God-fearing proprietors, but will take action to make sure it ne'er happens again.

That's just what men like Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and, thanks to advancements made in the controversial field of Religious Paranormal Emergency Resuscitation (R.P.E.R.), a Star-Trek-like process in which only those "pure of heart" may ask God to get directly involved in matters where the bible is being challenged and instantly beam a historical figure of their choosing down to assist, the Ghost of Adolf Hitler has arrived to lend a hand.

"It matters not that the doubters say it's just a look-alike in a Nazi uniform," says Reverend James Atchity, founder of the R.P.E.R. Institute. "What matters is that Messrs Santorum and Huckabee now have the spiritual support to continue their never-ending fight to wipe out tolerance wherever it may rear its ugly head." The Rev. does have a point. After all, who better to join them than one of the founding fathers of discrimination, be he real or a paid impersonator?

Other popular Midwestern franchises, such as Jesus Burger and Mother Mary's Meatballs and Subs, have already pledged their support. "We feel it's about time someone came to defend the family and defend hatred," states Tuck Leggard, CEO of Jesus Burger. He then added, "We're not crazy about the word 'Aids' in the title, though. Maybe they can change it to "Family Relief? Although, that might sound like the whole family's takin' a pee."

Janice Summers, a mother of five from Des Moines, IA., who stood online three days to purchase tickets, said, "I'm not sure what all these gays are whinin' about in the first place. Everyone knows eatin' chicken doesn't make you gay. Eatin' pizza does. So, let's clear that myth up once and for all."

Fred Stokes, a lawyer for right-wing Super PAC "Gay Gay Go Away," commented, "Is there something wrong with teaching your kids a little bit of hypocrisy while they eat their lunch? Last I checked, it was a free country - although, if that socialist Obama has his way, we're all doomed. Besides, I'd much prefer a dashboard Jesus with my Happy Meal than some cheap rendition of a washed-up Frog. Screw them Muppets."

Mr. Stokes goes on to say, "If I may, here's two simple pieces of advice for the Gay and Lesbian community."

1.) If you're so upset about not being able to eat at some fried chicken place, instead of crying about it, why not start one yourselves? You could call it "Chik-For-Gay". Done and done.

2.) Please stop referring to yourselves as "Gays and Lesbians." Lesbians are, in fact, gay already, no? Which means, by using that particular calling card, you're basically referring to yourselves as, The 'Gay and gay community.' Instead, why not try something more creative? I'm not creative, so I don't know, but you types are."

Again. Proud to be American.

(As of this publishing, no acts have agreed to perform)

Brian Dunkleman Was Right; How "Idol" -and Shows Like it- Pushed Us Past the Point of No Return

For the better part of the last decade, Brian Dunkleman's name has been synonymous with bonehead moves. He's been used as a punch line from Comedy Central to The Simpsons to Family Guy. Most of time playing off of the fact that, by quitting as co-host of American Idol after its first season, he was the dumbest guy, not only in TV, but in America; the "Pete Best of Prime Time," as Howard Stern once called him.

In writer/director Rod Lurie's political thriller, The Contender, The President, played brilliantly by a cynical-yet-noble Jeff Bridges, states "Sometimes greatness comes in the form of sacrifice. That's the loneliest form." Granted, the guy isn't Joan of Arc. He was just a T.V. host. But, the quote does, in fact, apply in regards to what Dunkleman gave up and had to endure (five years on the Hollywood blacklist) because of what he, personally, didn't want to be a part of.

Here was a guy who saw what was happening to the kids on this new, yet untested, show he was the co-star of and, because of that, he made an incredibly tough, and subsequently, wildly unpopular decision to walk away. Did he know he was sacrificing millions at the time? Probably not. But, the show was a hit and he was the host.

He hasn't spoken about his decision to leave Idol in years, but, somehow, while talking with him last week, I managed to get him to open up about it.

"You have to remember," he said, "this was the first time anyone had ever seen abuse like this on national television. And, it was being done to children. On purpose." He goes on to say, "When American Idol first launched back in the summer of 2002, the most awful thing anyone had seen to that point was a bunch of drunken college kids arguing on The Real World or contestants eating a handful of snakes on Survivor."

We talked about the fact that, since that time, it's not uncommon to watch six-year-old pageant contestants push each other off the stage, mothers who encourage that behavior, teens setting homeless people on fire on Youtube, and bimbos hitting each other in the face with frying pans, in the hopes of winning a date with some rich schmuck who'll dump them five seconds after the cameras stop rolling. And, oh yeah, there's still kids being insulted and humiliated all over the place, but, at this point, we're so desensitized to it it's like coming home to a warm bath. It's where we turn for comfort when Drunken Pregnant Teen Moms becomes a bit too much (we still have some standards). Gone are the days when adults criticizing kids was so shocking it prompted Oprah to devote an entire show to it. These days, at some point or another, most of the same producers have done business with her.

I half-jokingly quipped that perhaps Simon Cowell is responsible for the decay of western civilization as we know it, to which he responded, "Simon's a great guy. He really is. And, while it's obviously never one person's fault, he knew, and knows, exactly what he was doing. But, it wasn't just him. It was all of the show's producers moving their focus away from what was supposed to be the show's goal - of finding undiscovered talent - and, instead, zeroing in on finding undiscovered talent they could make cry. To them, adults making children cry in prime time television was a ratings bonanza. It turned out they weren't wrong. But, I wanted no part of it."

As my dad always says, "Pay me now, or pay me later." Well, when it comes to the hedonistic culture we've carved out for ourselves using the twisted and backwards formula Reality Shows+Social Media+Quick-Buck-Lifestyle=happiness, it certainly seems now is "later." And, boy are we paying. It's almost like the entire country signed up to watch an Anti-Tony Robbins seminar and we're all valedictorian.

Almost every aspect of our lives has been dramatically altered by the one-two punch of reality shows and Twitter, followed closely behind by the incessant barrage of online news telling you who's doing better than you. For most of us at this point, real life does, indeed, seem like a reality show:

Wall St. bandits run off with your money and you're stuck having to work two jobs to buy a tank of gas. Meanwhile, some guy shoots everyone in the house next door to you, and your wife finds out you're cheating on her because your girlfriend tweeted it. In between those wonderful moments, the media bombards us with images of celebrities, tech geeks, athletes, and people who are famous for being drunk who make more in five minutes than you will in your lifetime.

Now, grab a beer - or five- and you're ready to flick on that T.V., or laptop, and curl up with pundits arguing, mob wives arguing, teenagers arguing, wannabe chefs, models, and hairstylists arguing, children crying, or the icing on the cake, some serious-ass beatings on UFC!

Of course, let's not forget the parents of the six-year-old kid who made that video Youtube just took down, who defiantly say they're looking forward to video #2. Of course, they are. To them, the controversy means a potential payday. Forget about the fact it's bordering on child abuse to encourage sexual and suggestive behavior between a first grader and strippers. In the end, it's just another news byte.

The reality is, reality T.V. has completely destroyed our sense of decency toward one another, while causing us to re-prioritize our goals. It's more important now that our favorite couple wins Dancing with the Stars than it is to make sure our kid isn't out there snorting bath salts and eating the neighbor's face off.

Nowhere is this sentiment better represented than in the speech given by "Frank," the anti-hero in director Bobcat Goldthwaite's dark dramedy, God Bless America. In it, Frank talks about how, not only have we lost our morals, we wear our shamelessness as a badge of honor. He talks about how the entire country has become the Colosseum and we're the eager Romans. Constantly pining to see the gladiators fight to the death.

If you step back and look at the stories of cannibalism, kid shootings, setting ex-girlfriends on fire (and the towing company making the burned victim pay for her car removal), cutting people up and mailing their body parts, eating your roommate's heart and brain, and cutting out your own intestines and throwing it at the police, to name just a few, he may have a point.

No matter how old or young we are, we all, to some degree or another, emulate what we see on screens, big or small. Remember the 70s movie, The Warriors? People ran out of the theaters, charged into bathrooms, and ripped the sinks out of the walls. Now, imagine The Warriors is on 24/7 on every channel. That's what it's like today. It's amazing they haven't done Barney gets a Beatdown yet on Sprout.

Is there a link between reality shows and reality? The Washington Post reports 63% of adults think this country is on the wrong track. You can't say that none of that comes from the media. We're not just talking reality shows, either. The selfish, quick and easy way is evident all around us. Just ask a Kardashian.

Practically all music played on the radio sounds like it was written, produced, and released in five minutes to parrot the tone of our culture (Call Me, Maybe!) Movies have gone beyond just being sequel-happy. Forget about parts 2 and 3. Studios have no qualms remaking part 1 over and over again (Spiderman) if it means a quick weekend return. Less work, maybe. Less creativity, brain activity, and art. Absolutely. Sure, there will always be some great artists out there, but now you have to wade through a swamp to find them, and by that time, yer covered from head to toe in you-know-what.

Don't think for a second that the folks down at "City Hall" are above all this insanity. The obvious sad "reality" is, our elected officials, the ones we ask to lead by example, seem dead set on trying to do everything they can to emulate the immature, uncompromising, apathetic behavior emulated by reality shows.
br /> Congress is at a stalemate. The Supreme Court argue like infants. And, stubborn governors openly defy the president, promising to refuse his executive orders, so, "Nyah, nyah, nyah to your health care bill!"

Of course, it's not Simon Cowell's fault. But, giving him, and the Cowellettes, twenty different talent shows on five different networks certainly doesn't help matters much.

The way things are now, we could definitely use a few more Brian Dunkleman's. Not only in entertainment, but in business, politics, education, etc.

You can keep your mega-rich Ryan Seacrest's. I'll take a broke Brian Dunkleman anytime, and twice on Sunday.