GOP Unites Behind Women's Euthanization Bill

Representatives from all three major GOP candidates have confirmed each party has thrown his full support behind a new bill that would require the euthanizing of all women over the age of thirty who are childless. Monica Whitters, spokesperson for the Santorum campaign, says "Mr. Santorum can understand the value of a woman who is of child-bearing age, but he also recognizes the waste of precious resources they consume if they pass their prime and just 'take up space.'"

Spokespeople for both Romeny and Gingrich echoed those sentiments, as did Justice Clarence Thomas. "If a woman hasn't popped a few out by the time she's thirty, her only function is to make you miserable and ruin your confirmation hearing," said Thomas.

Others feel differently. "Maybe give 'em 'til they're thirty-five," says Mike Tedesco, an unemployed truck driver from Georgia. "You know, because that whole forty-is-the-new-thirty thing."

"It's ridiculous." said Carmine Vacca, a New Jersey plumber. "Who would I call to fix me and my friends snacks on Sundays?"

Steven Cochrane, spokesperson for Newt's Nuts, the Gingrich PAC, offered, ""Gas and food prices are higher than they've ever been. Do we, as Americans, really want, or need, women driving around and eating, while shunning their duties under the eyes of God? Not to mention, how many accidents do they cause sitting in traffic putting on makeup?"

The new legislation, initiated by House Oversight chairman, Darrell Issa, has women's groups up-in-arms. "This is preposterous," states Kathy Thornton, chairman of KWA -Keep Women Alive. "There are plenty of women over thirty who don't have children, are contributing members of society, and who don't wear makeup. I don't have my facts in front of me, but I can get them for you."

One part of the bill the candidates can't seem to agree on, is women who've reached their 30th birthday and who are eligible for termination, but are pregnant. This one area threatens to divide even the staunchest pro-lifers into two sides. "Governor Romney believes, if a woman is over thirty and pregnant, she should at least be allowed to have the baby," states David Shapero, a Romney insider. "Once the baby is born, the state is free to remove her."

Speaking to a packed room of supporters at Bellevue this morning, Rick Santorum said, "The law is the law. As much as I hate to see the taking of an unborn life, if a woman hasn't procreated by thirty, she's obviously a whore, and her offspring will, no doubt, posses the same genes. Thus, in this case, I would make an exception."

Republicans say that, if passed, in five years time, they will move toward an amendment striking the over-thirty clause and eliminating all females in the womb. "Science is very close to being able to replicate the human birth cycle," states Congressman Issa. "My son almost did it with his chemistry set, thus, once we can effectively mass-produce a fetus from a test tube, there won't be any reason at all for women to exist. Except to shop."

The bill has already garnered the support of the Vatican, the Dept. of Motor Vehicles, and men with credit card debt. Detractors include: Bloomingdales, United Chocolate Makers of America, and women.

A spokesperson for Ron Paul said he supported the bill, too, but nobody cared.