1. There is no link between those who worked to rescue victims at Ground Zero, on and after Sept. 11, 2001, and cancer.
2. Human beings can fly.
"The two tests were run independent of each other and the results just happen to come on the same day," states Dr. James Bader, leader of the 9/11 project and chair of H.C.D.R (the House Committee to Deny Responsibility).
"We tried everything we could to prove that the toxic dust those brave souls were breathing into their lungs on a daily basis, sometimes for months, was no more harmful than a high pollen count on a hot summer day. Unfortunately for us, all 265,000 mice we tested died just days after being exposed to microscopically smaller levels of contaminants. I, myself, tried to prove there was no link by voluntarily inhaling an airborne cocktail of asbestos, ground up metal fibers, computer parts, and fax machines, but... editor's note: Dr. Bader was unable to finish the interview, as he began coughing uncontrollably and was rushed to the hospital.
In an unrelated study, N.A.S.A. has reluctantly agreed to release its top-secret, 365-page report detailing their findings on Human Flight. Rumor has it, hackers working with the infamous document-leaking site, WikiLeaks, were threatening to go public with the report. Apparently, all ten thousand test subjects who applied for the study perished. The one possible breakthrough stated in the report appears to confirm what scientists have long suspected: gravity has the same effect on both males and females. As a result, the report recommends we stick with planes for the time being.