Representatives from all three major GOP candidates have confirmed each party has thrown his full support behind a new bill that would require the euthanizing of all women over the age of thirty who are childless. Monica Whitters, spokesperson for the Santorum campaign, says "Mr. Santorum can understand the value of a woman who is of child-bearing age, but he also recognizes the waste of precious resources they consume if they pass their prime and just 'take up space.'"
Spokespeople for both Romeny and Gingrich echoed those sentiments, as did Justice Clarence Thomas. "If a woman hasn't popped a few out by the time she's thirty, her only function is to make you miserable and ruin your confirmation hearing," said Thomas.
Others feel differently. "Maybe give 'em 'til they're thirty-five," says Mike Tedesco, an unemployed truck driver from Georgia. "You know, because that whole forty-is-the-new-thirty thing."
"It's ridiculous." said Carmine Vacca, a New Jersey plumber. "Who would I call to fix me and my friends snacks on Sundays?"
Steven Cochrane, spokesperson for Newt's Nuts, the Gingrich PAC, offered, ""Gas and food prices are higher than they've ever been. Do we, as Americans, really want, or need, women driving around and eating, while shunning their duties under the eyes of God? Not to mention, how many accidents do they cause sitting in traffic putting on makeup?"
The new legislation, initiated by House Oversight chairman, Darrell Issa, has women's groups up-in-arms. "This is preposterous," states Kathy Thornton, chairman of KWA -Keep Women Alive. "There are plenty of women over thirty who don't have children, are contributing members of society, and who don't wear makeup. I don't have my facts in front of me, but I can get them for you."
One part of the bill the candidates can't seem to agree on, is women who've reached their 30th birthday and who are eligible for termination, but are pregnant. This one area threatens to divide even the staunchest pro-lifers into two sides. "Governor Romney believes, if a woman is over thirty and pregnant, she should at least be allowed to have the baby," states David Shapero, a Romney insider. "Once the baby is born, the state is free to remove her."
Speaking to a packed room of supporters at Bellevue this morning, Rick Santorum said, "The law is the law. As much as I hate to see the taking of an unborn life, if a woman hasn't procreated by thirty, she's obviously a whore, and her offspring will, no doubt, posses the same genes. Thus, in this case, I would make an exception."
Republicans say that, if passed, in five years time, they will move toward an amendment striking the over-thirty clause and eliminating all females in the womb. "Science is very close to being able to replicate the human birth cycle," states Congressman Issa. "My son almost did it with his chemistry set, thus, once we can effectively mass-produce a fetus from a test tube, there won't be any reason at all for women to exist. Except to shop."
The bill has already garnered the support of the Vatican, the Dept. of Motor Vehicles, and men with credit card debt. Detractors include: Bloomingdales, United Chocolate Makers of America, and women.
A spokesperson for Ron Paul said he supported the bill, too, but nobody cared.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
If We Were Keeping Score, Would Al-Qaeda Be Winning?
If the War on Terror was a baseball game, what inning would it be? Maybe, around the top of the seventh. The score? Probably, 10-8 in their favor.
Here's how it breaks down:
Opening Day Sept. 11, 2001.
Top of the First:
Al Qaeda hits a grand slam to open the game. Immediate meeting on the mound. Pitcher says he's fine. They just made him mad.
4-0
Bottom of the First:
We're shocked by the fact they rocked our pitcher in the first inning, but, in true form, we answer right back. A flurry of singles and stolen bases in the bottom of the inning displace the Taliban from their stronghold in Afghanistan and sends Bin Laden on the run.
4-1
Top of the Second:
With two men on, they pinch hit with a shoe-bomber and a he lines one up the middle, scoring two and causing airport screenings to be changed forever.
6-1
Bottom of the Second:
Bin Laden's reportedly somewhere in the stadium, but security can't find him. Meanwhile, they strike out the side, as the cost of the war - in both dollars and lives - begins to take its toll.
6-1
Top of the Third:
They rejoice at home plate, as our now considerably-rattled pitcher and catcher screw up a senseless pick-off play they'll be talking about for years: We accuse Saddam Hussein of having weapons of mass destruction, and don't want to let him get to second base. Everyone at home knows Saddam is too slow to steal second, nonetheless, the catcher, forgetting the real danger at third, calls for the pick-off, anyway, and the pitcher throws wild - sending the ball into the stands and the runner from third, home. (On the very next play, Saddam would be hit in the head by the pitcher - in yet another pick-off attempt - and taken out of the game.)
7-1
Bottom of the Third:
Our pitcher mistakenly thinks the end of the second inning is the end of the game, and declares victory. His teammates tell him it's not the end, and we're losing. In spite of that blunder, we manage to score a pair of hard-earned, diplomatic runs, by sending drones into Pakistan and turning the once anti-U.S. nation into an ally.
7-3
Top of the Fourth:
Al-Qaeda sneakily pulls a squeeze play and kills fifty-two in London while injuring seven hundred more. That's it. Meeting on the mound. You can tell our pitcher's tired. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, we bring in a new, hotshot, rookie pitcher -and catcher, as well. They quickly get us out of the inning.
8-3
Bottom of the Fourth:
We open the frame by banning torture and hit a line drive over the right field wall.
8-4
Top of the Fifth:
Al-Qaeda answers our switch by calling on a slugger from their triple-A team in Uganda. He hits the first pitch he sees over the center field fence, leaving seventy-four dead, and as many injured, at the World Cup in Kampala.
9-4
Bottom of the Fifth:
We load the bases with nobody out, yet, sadly, fail to score. But, our new pitcher has given us revitalized life. The crowd can sense a renewed feeling of hope.
9-4
Top of the Sixth:
It's been years since 9/11 and Bin Laden is still stealing signals from the dugout. This rattles our once-steady pitcher, as he loads the bases and walks in a run. The crowd boos. They want him gone, too.
10-4
Bottom of the Sixth:
With two outs, and the bases loaded, we leave the young, stud pitcher in to hit for himself. You can almost hear every fan at home screaming into their T.V.'s. It's a seemingly ridiculous move even the announcers are questioning. No one can really be sure who's in that house in Pakistan. There could be women, children, no one, etc. But, with two strikes on him, the lanky, humble pitcher from Hawaii, changes the course of history and rockets one into the upper deck that would still be going had it not hit the lights. Grand slam. The place goes bonkers.
10-8
Top of the Seventh:
After their manager is thrown out of the game, Al-Qaeda comes to bat looking nothing like they did the previous six innings, and they go down in order.
10-8
Time for a commercial.
That's where it stands at the moment. No doubt, a real nail-biter.
If and when the troops finally leave Afghanistan, it will be the seventh inning stretch. God only knows what the top of the eighth has in store. But, we have a pretty good bullpen.
Here's how it breaks down:
Opening Day Sept. 11, 2001.
Top of the First:
Al Qaeda hits a grand slam to open the game. Immediate meeting on the mound. Pitcher says he's fine. They just made him mad.
4-0
Bottom of the First:
We're shocked by the fact they rocked our pitcher in the first inning, but, in true form, we answer right back. A flurry of singles and stolen bases in the bottom of the inning displace the Taliban from their stronghold in Afghanistan and sends Bin Laden on the run.
4-1
Top of the Second:
With two men on, they pinch hit with a shoe-bomber and a he lines one up the middle, scoring two and causing airport screenings to be changed forever.
6-1
Bottom of the Second:
Bin Laden's reportedly somewhere in the stadium, but security can't find him. Meanwhile, they strike out the side, as the cost of the war - in both dollars and lives - begins to take its toll.
6-1
Top of the Third:
They rejoice at home plate, as our now considerably-rattled pitcher and catcher screw up a senseless pick-off play they'll be talking about for years: We accuse Saddam Hussein of having weapons of mass destruction, and don't want to let him get to second base. Everyone at home knows Saddam is too slow to steal second, nonetheless, the catcher, forgetting the real danger at third, calls for the pick-off, anyway, and the pitcher throws wild - sending the ball into the stands and the runner from third, home. (On the very next play, Saddam would be hit in the head by the pitcher - in yet another pick-off attempt - and taken out of the game.)
7-1
Bottom of the Third:
Our pitcher mistakenly thinks the end of the second inning is the end of the game, and declares victory. His teammates tell him it's not the end, and we're losing. In spite of that blunder, we manage to score a pair of hard-earned, diplomatic runs, by sending drones into Pakistan and turning the once anti-U.S. nation into an ally.
7-3
Top of the Fourth:
Al-Qaeda sneakily pulls a squeeze play and kills fifty-two in London while injuring seven hundred more. That's it. Meeting on the mound. You can tell our pitcher's tired. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, we bring in a new, hotshot, rookie pitcher -and catcher, as well. They quickly get us out of the inning.
8-3
Bottom of the Fourth:
We open the frame by banning torture and hit a line drive over the right field wall.
8-4
Top of the Fifth:
Al-Qaeda answers our switch by calling on a slugger from their triple-A team in Uganda. He hits the first pitch he sees over the center field fence, leaving seventy-four dead, and as many injured, at the World Cup in Kampala.
9-4
Bottom of the Fifth:
We load the bases with nobody out, yet, sadly, fail to score. But, our new pitcher has given us revitalized life. The crowd can sense a renewed feeling of hope.
9-4
Top of the Sixth:
It's been years since 9/11 and Bin Laden is still stealing signals from the dugout. This rattles our once-steady pitcher, as he loads the bases and walks in a run. The crowd boos. They want him gone, too.
10-4
Bottom of the Sixth:
With two outs, and the bases loaded, we leave the young, stud pitcher in to hit for himself. You can almost hear every fan at home screaming into their T.V.'s. It's a seemingly ridiculous move even the announcers are questioning. No one can really be sure who's in that house in Pakistan. There could be women, children, no one, etc. But, with two strikes on him, the lanky, humble pitcher from Hawaii, changes the course of history and rockets one into the upper deck that would still be going had it not hit the lights. Grand slam. The place goes bonkers.
10-8
Top of the Seventh:
After their manager is thrown out of the game, Al-Qaeda comes to bat looking nothing like they did the previous six innings, and they go down in order.
10-8
Time for a commercial.
That's where it stands at the moment. No doubt, a real nail-biter.
If and when the troops finally leave Afghanistan, it will be the seventh inning stretch. God only knows what the top of the eighth has in store. But, we have a pretty good bullpen.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
"What's" The Beef?
Forget, for a moment, the John Walker Lindh's and Timothy McVeigh's of the world. This article is not about that kind of domestic terrorist. Rather, it's about those individuals whose job it is to knowingly look the other way, and contribute to the poisoning of their fellow citizens on a daily basis. Especially when it involves children.
It's no secret, when it comes to food, we, as a nation, have been slowly killing each other for decades with the products that our supermarkets and fast food chains happily stock en masse, and which may contain any number of unpronounceable ingredients, usually ending, ironically enough, in "a-t-e." Yet, even though the Internet has leveled the playing field tremendously when it comes to protesting these types of actions before they take effect, or even forcing them, in some cases, to reverse direction, it's still "business-as-usual" for our government.
For instance, the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture announced it's buying seven million pounds of "Pink Slime" -- the ammonia-treated beef byproduct consisting mostly of connective cow tissue (barf), and deemed a "bad idea" by the likes of McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell. How bad does this stuff have to be to be dropped by the food versions of Gordon Gekko? Granted, celeb chef Jamie Oliver played a big part, but the "slime" was exposed for what it is. Literally, garbage. Nonetheless, this junk is now well on its way to becoming a key ingredient in your child's school lunch. If that doesn't make you 'sick to your stomach,' nothing will. (Already a petition has begun to circulate among parents which has gathered almost 200k signatures in just three days.)
The statements made by the USDA claim "All USDA ground beef purchases for the National School Lunch Program must meet the highest standards for food safety." Highest standards according to whom? The U.S. Meat Council? Just because there's no immediate threat of bacteria making kids sick tomorrow, or the next day, doesn't mean that the chemicals being consumed now, under guise of making the meat "safe," won't lead to all kinds of wonderful ailments ten or twenty years down the line (God only knows what those of us who went to school in the '70s and '80s were consuming -- probably television parts). The capper is, scientists say, even after this "mystery meat" is treated with this possible carcinogen, the meat's still believed to be susceptible to e. coli and salmonella, anyway. And, lest we forget, this stuff has almost no nutritional value at all!
When traces of dozens of pharmaceuticals and pesticides were found in New York City's drinking water, the city's Department of Environmental Protection maintained there was no danger -- as the water met the highest standards allowed by law. The problem was, nowhere in the law did it require limiting the levels of pharmaceuticals of any kind. So, technically, they were right.
And, it just gets worse. The FDA, the organization that's supposed to protect us from eating things that will cause our babies to be born with three heads, doesn't even require labeling products treated with ammonia. Nor will they require labels when they allow salmon to be injected with human growth hormones. Add to that, Obama quietly appointing a former Monsanto CEO to head its Food Safety division, and you can see we're being attacked from all sides. (Although, the hormones-in-salmon thing looks like it could be good, as one salmon reportedly hit 61 home runs.)
Unfortunately, as a society, we don't have each other's backs. We're simply not honest with each other when it comes to the risks surrounding the foods we eat and the chemicals we use to make them. Because, when ya get right down to it, we DON'T know what the risks are. We DON'T know what type of diseases or complications consuming ammonia, or drinking trace amounts of insecticide, will ultimately cause. So, why must we always say, "It's probably fine," when it comes to the health and well-being of our children, as well as ourselves? Why not err on the other side? Why not take the position, "We're not going to allow this until we know -- for certain -- that it's completely safe?" The answer's obvious: money. It takes money to change policy. It takes money to overhaul an industry. And these industries pay better than the environmental groups fighting them. Perhaps, next time you hear someone ask, "Where's the beef?," you should tell them the correct term is, "What's the beef?"
It's no secret, when it comes to food, we, as a nation, have been slowly killing each other for decades with the products that our supermarkets and fast food chains happily stock en masse, and which may contain any number of unpronounceable ingredients, usually ending, ironically enough, in "a-t-e." Yet, even though the Internet has leveled the playing field tremendously when it comes to protesting these types of actions before they take effect, or even forcing them, in some cases, to reverse direction, it's still "business-as-usual" for our government.
For instance, the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture announced it's buying seven million pounds of "Pink Slime" -- the ammonia-treated beef byproduct consisting mostly of connective cow tissue (barf), and deemed a "bad idea" by the likes of McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell. How bad does this stuff have to be to be dropped by the food versions of Gordon Gekko? Granted, celeb chef Jamie Oliver played a big part, but the "slime" was exposed for what it is. Literally, garbage. Nonetheless, this junk is now well on its way to becoming a key ingredient in your child's school lunch. If that doesn't make you 'sick to your stomach,' nothing will. (Already a petition has begun to circulate among parents which has gathered almost 200k signatures in just three days.)
The statements made by the USDA claim "All USDA ground beef purchases for the National School Lunch Program must meet the highest standards for food safety." Highest standards according to whom? The U.S. Meat Council? Just because there's no immediate threat of bacteria making kids sick tomorrow, or the next day, doesn't mean that the chemicals being consumed now, under guise of making the meat "safe," won't lead to all kinds of wonderful ailments ten or twenty years down the line (God only knows what those of us who went to school in the '70s and '80s were consuming -- probably television parts). The capper is, scientists say, even after this "mystery meat" is treated with this possible carcinogen, the meat's still believed to be susceptible to e. coli and salmonella, anyway. And, lest we forget, this stuff has almost no nutritional value at all!
When traces of dozens of pharmaceuticals and pesticides were found in New York City's drinking water, the city's Department of Environmental Protection maintained there was no danger -- as the water met the highest standards allowed by law. The problem was, nowhere in the law did it require limiting the levels of pharmaceuticals of any kind. So, technically, they were right.
And, it just gets worse. The FDA, the organization that's supposed to protect us from eating things that will cause our babies to be born with three heads, doesn't even require labeling products treated with ammonia. Nor will they require labels when they allow salmon to be injected with human growth hormones. Add to that, Obama quietly appointing a former Monsanto CEO to head its Food Safety division, and you can see we're being attacked from all sides. (Although, the hormones-in-salmon thing looks like it could be good, as one salmon reportedly hit 61 home runs.)
Unfortunately, as a society, we don't have each other's backs. We're simply not honest with each other when it comes to the risks surrounding the foods we eat and the chemicals we use to make them. Because, when ya get right down to it, we DON'T know what the risks are. We DON'T know what type of diseases or complications consuming ammonia, or drinking trace amounts of insecticide, will ultimately cause. So, why must we always say, "It's probably fine," when it comes to the health and well-being of our children, as well as ourselves? Why not err on the other side? Why not take the position, "We're not going to allow this until we know -- for certain -- that it's completely safe?" The answer's obvious: money. It takes money to change policy. It takes money to overhaul an industry. And these industries pay better than the environmental groups fighting them. Perhaps, next time you hear someone ask, "Where's the beef?," you should tell them the correct term is, "What's the beef?"
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Satan Enters GOP Presidential Race
In a surprising move, The Devil, himself, announced this morning he has decided to throw his hat in the ring for the republican nomination for president. Speaking from his home in Trump Tower, when asked why, after all this time, he thought now would be a good time to reveal himself to humanity, the Prince of Darkness replied, "I just couldn't take it anymore. I've been close many times. WWl, WWll, the O.J. verdict, etc. There were numerous times throughout history, I thought, 'Now is the time,' then, for one reason or another, I would always change my mind. But, after watching the complete debacle that is the GOP race, and reveling in the hypocrisy, lies, and downright evil being committed, on both sides, all in the name of American politics, I realized, this stuff is far better than anything we have going on down in Hell at the moment. I just had to be a part of it. Besides, I can learn a thing or two from this Santorum guy. He even scares me, and that's no easy task."
When asked about his campaign platform, Satan replied, "It won't be much different from any of these other guys, but, I will admit, unlike my competitors, I do, in fact, have a problem promising things I have no intention of delivering. That's just not my style. However, after witnessing how much support a loon like Santorum's getting just by being himself, there's really no need to hide your agenda anymore. It's completely clear, the American people will let you do whatever you want to them, as long as you don't raise their taxes or take away their guns. Both, of which, I'm completely fine with. Thus, I will proudly wear my beliefs like a badge of honor, and I think most folks will agree with me." He then added, "I'm very much looking forward to sending civil rights back to the dark ages - especially the persecution of women and gays -, building the military to the point we're so powerful we can pretty much bomb anyone and get away with it, crushing health care, the environment, education, and, of course, my favorite - freezing taxes indefinitely and drastically lowering the tax rate for millionaires. Thus, allowing the deficit to, once again, spiral out of control and swallow us whole, like a giant serpent rising from the sea. But, this time, it'll take at least a hundred years to repair. None of this four to eight year crap my proteges Bush and Cheney tried out. That was amateur hour."
When asked about his views on religion, Satan thought for a moment, then said, "Religion's gonna be a tough one. But, honestly, I don't think there's that much of a gap between what Santorum's been preaching and what I believe in. Incidentally, if I win the nomination, I don't see any reason he couldn't be my running mate. I'm also suggesting we change mascots, from an elephant to a Hydra. It's much more intimidating, and it really captures what we're all about. Just like the mythical beast, a republican has many faces."
Before heading to his first event, a luncheon sponsored by N.J. Governor, Chris Christie, Satan closed by saying, "Al Pacino did a brilliant job of portraying me on screen, and he almost got it right. But, it's not "The law" that puts us into everything, it's politics. Whereas, in the past, a guy like me might have been run out of town, come November, I fully expect to be carried through the streets on the shoulders of the masses. Still, the best part is, even if I lose, I'm completely confident one of these gentlemen next to me will do a fine job wreaking havoc upon America, and the rest of the world. Whatever happens, it's sure gonna be fun to watch."
When asked about his campaign platform, Satan replied, "It won't be much different from any of these other guys, but, I will admit, unlike my competitors, I do, in fact, have a problem promising things I have no intention of delivering. That's just not my style. However, after witnessing how much support a loon like Santorum's getting just by being himself, there's really no need to hide your agenda anymore. It's completely clear, the American people will let you do whatever you want to them, as long as you don't raise their taxes or take away their guns. Both, of which, I'm completely fine with. Thus, I will proudly wear my beliefs like a badge of honor, and I think most folks will agree with me." He then added, "I'm very much looking forward to sending civil rights back to the dark ages - especially the persecution of women and gays -, building the military to the point we're so powerful we can pretty much bomb anyone and get away with it, crushing health care, the environment, education, and, of course, my favorite - freezing taxes indefinitely and drastically lowering the tax rate for millionaires. Thus, allowing the deficit to, once again, spiral out of control and swallow us whole, like a giant serpent rising from the sea. But, this time, it'll take at least a hundred years to repair. None of this four to eight year crap my proteges Bush and Cheney tried out. That was amateur hour."
When asked about his views on religion, Satan thought for a moment, then said, "Religion's gonna be a tough one. But, honestly, I don't think there's that much of a gap between what Santorum's been preaching and what I believe in. Incidentally, if I win the nomination, I don't see any reason he couldn't be my running mate. I'm also suggesting we change mascots, from an elephant to a Hydra. It's much more intimidating, and it really captures what we're all about. Just like the mythical beast, a republican has many faces."
Before heading to his first event, a luncheon sponsored by N.J. Governor, Chris Christie, Satan closed by saying, "Al Pacino did a brilliant job of portraying me on screen, and he almost got it right. But, it's not "The law" that puts us into everything, it's politics. Whereas, in the past, a guy like me might have been run out of town, come November, I fully expect to be carried through the streets on the shoulders of the masses. Still, the best part is, even if I lose, I'm completely confident one of these gentlemen next to me will do a fine job wreaking havoc upon America, and the rest of the world. Whatever happens, it's sure gonna be fun to watch."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Andrew Lloyd Webber to Helm, "Greece!" The Musical
Now that they've been rescued from the brink of certain disaster, the first order of business for Greece's finance ministers, is to begin figuring out ways to pay off the astronomical debt that will accrue as a direct result of the Eurozone bailout. While the plan is being hailed as a good short-term remedy, a loan of this size, and the interest accrued, will no doubt, saddle the Grecian people with near insurmountable financial hurdles in the years to come.
To ease a bit of the strain, the move most everyone in Athens seems to be applauding, is the plan to turn the story of their country's economic collapse into a musical, appropriately titled, "Greece! The Musical," and which, if sources are correct, will be written and directed by B'way legend, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Webber has reportedly already agreed to pen the story, which, according to one source, centers around a group of Greek teenagers in the fifties who end up causing a global financial meltdown.
"The idea behind the project, is that a hit Broadway musical, and its potential for sequels, spin-offs, and national tours, will bring a constant stream of revenue into our severely ailing nation, no matter the condition of the world's economy," explained Greece's chief economist, Danielo Zukopolis.
Webber said in an email, "I'm delighted to put my talents to use helping this stoically beautiful country, and its people, reclaim some of their dignity." Webber volunteered that, before settling on the current, simplified title of the production, there were a few they opted not to go with; such as, Greece! Turn Off the Snark,- Greece! The Book of Morons, - and, Greece! Trillion Dollar Quartet.
Songs Webber has already written since lunch include, Hopelessly Indebted to You, Look at Me I'm Sandra Default, Business School Dropout, Freddy Mac- My Love, Greased Palmin', and Born to Hand Outs.
D.C. powerhouse, the Brunswick Group, have been brought on to handle the PR, and rumor has it, their first order of business is to persuade Greek president, Karolos Papoulias, to adopt the musical's cheerful spelling as his country's permanent moniker. When asked to comment, Rory Flanders, Brunswick's V.P. of communications, stated, "People are feta up. We need these guys to understand the damage they did to their country's credibility - and, as soon as we find someone who can speak Greek, we will tell them that. They need to recognize the psychological effect changing the country's negative-sounding name to something more upbeat and positive will have, in how they are perceived by the rest of the world. "Greece," just won't cut it anymore. It has 'failure' written all over it. However, "Greece!" has a totally different ring to it. Nothing says "We're Happy! Everything's fine!" like a couple of good 'ole exclamation points. Combine that with a fancy logo, and you're halfway home. This new, positive direction would be exactly what the world financial markets need to relax and begin trusting them again. And a hit Broadway show never hurts, either. I mean, either!"
Whether it works or not, you have to give them credit for trying. And, aside from that being the only type of credit they're good for at the moment, let's not forget, putting on an original musical, in this day and age, requires an "exzorbatant" amount of time and energy. For what it's worth, let's hope, going forward, this seemingly rejuvenated version of "Greece 2" is more successful than the film of the same name.
"Greece!" The Musical, is preparing for a March 2013 opening at the Sherbert Theatre.
To ease a bit of the strain, the move most everyone in Athens seems to be applauding, is the plan to turn the story of their country's economic collapse into a musical, appropriately titled, "Greece! The Musical," and which, if sources are correct, will be written and directed by B'way legend, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Webber has reportedly already agreed to pen the story, which, according to one source, centers around a group of Greek teenagers in the fifties who end up causing a global financial meltdown.
"The idea behind the project, is that a hit Broadway musical, and its potential for sequels, spin-offs, and national tours, will bring a constant stream of revenue into our severely ailing nation, no matter the condition of the world's economy," explained Greece's chief economist, Danielo Zukopolis.
Webber said in an email, "I'm delighted to put my talents to use helping this stoically beautiful country, and its people, reclaim some of their dignity." Webber volunteered that, before settling on the current, simplified title of the production, there were a few they opted not to go with; such as, Greece! Turn Off the Snark,- Greece! The Book of Morons, - and, Greece! Trillion Dollar Quartet.
Songs Webber has already written since lunch include, Hopelessly Indebted to You, Look at Me I'm Sandra Default, Business School Dropout, Freddy Mac- My Love, Greased Palmin', and Born to Hand Outs.
D.C. powerhouse, the Brunswick Group, have been brought on to handle the PR, and rumor has it, their first order of business is to persuade Greek president, Karolos Papoulias, to adopt the musical's cheerful spelling as his country's permanent moniker. When asked to comment, Rory Flanders, Brunswick's V.P. of communications, stated, "People are feta up. We need these guys to understand the damage they did to their country's credibility - and, as soon as we find someone who can speak Greek, we will tell them that. They need to recognize the psychological effect changing the country's negative-sounding name to something more upbeat and positive will have, in how they are perceived by the rest of the world. "Greece," just won't cut it anymore. It has 'failure' written all over it. However, "Greece!" has a totally different ring to it. Nothing says "We're Happy! Everything's fine!" like a couple of good 'ole exclamation points. Combine that with a fancy logo, and you're halfway home. This new, positive direction would be exactly what the world financial markets need to relax and begin trusting them again. And a hit Broadway show never hurts, either. I mean, either!"
Whether it works or not, you have to give them credit for trying. And, aside from that being the only type of credit they're good for at the moment, let's not forget, putting on an original musical, in this day and age, requires an "exzorbatant" amount of time and energy. For what it's worth, let's hope, going forward, this seemingly rejuvenated version of "Greece 2" is more successful than the film of the same name.
"Greece!" The Musical, is preparing for a March 2013 opening at the Sherbert Theatre.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
How About a Hand for J.C. Penney C.E.O. Ron Johnson?
It must be weird to be on the wrong side of history and not know it. It was less than fifty years ago that the passing of the Civil Rights Act gave blacks the same privileges under the law as whites. Even though it was a milestone, there were still scores of Americans opposed to it. One, in particular, was the governor of Alabama, himself. Gov. George Wallace, the highest elected official in the state, stood in that doorway of that school, on that day, and tried to prevent a black girl from entering. Aside from losing the standoff, he wound up making a fool of himself for all eternity. No matter what good he did, he will always be remembered as the bigot who stood in that doorway.
Fast forward to now, there are many among us who, not having learned a thing from history, would stand in that doorway to prevent same-sex couples from walking down the aisle. Some of them are even running for president.
Just a few years ago, it probably wouldn't have even crossed the mind of the marketing folks at JC Penney to use an openly gay woman as their spokesperson. The political fallout would have been suicide for any middle-American C.E.O., and it would've been understandable if the company bowed to political pressure. But, just as social media can do some pretty bad things, it can also make known the general conscience of a nation. And the conscience of our nation says, "The right of gay and lesbian Americans to be treated equally in the eyes of the law is another issue whose time has come."
Of course, there will always be the haters on their "Mission from God," claiming to have a million mothers up in arms over what they did, and threatening to spend the rest of their days making sure Penney's chief exec., Ron Johnson, and his company, suffers for it. They can shout all they want about gay marriage, about homosexual spokespeople, about queer pets or insects, etc., etc. The fact is, The Times They Are A Changin'. Nonetheless, we still should take a moment and applaud Penney's commander-in-chief, for not so much as blinking in the wake of the political storm created by naming Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson. Heck, everyone should go and buy a pair of socks or a sweater to show their support.
Years from now, when every state in the union has recognized the right of same-sex couples to marry, we, as a nation, will look back and shake our heads at those who, in the name of religion, tried to stop their fellow citizens from living with the same privileges and rights they experience, because of their sexual preference. Just as we marvel at the unfortunate ones who opposed the civil rights passage nearly five decades ago, we will remember, with sadness and bewilderment, all those who preferred to side with the angry, the bitter, the misguided, and the shameful.
What those stubborn individuals on today's conservative right fail to realize is that, for all their protesting, all their lobbying, all their campaigning, all their thinly-disguised bigotry and hatred, in the end, it will ultimately be for naught. Because standing in the way of human progress in this day and age is like a farm house standing in the way of an interstate in 1952. Sooner or later, it's gonna get run over, and I'd hate to be standing there when the dozer comes. A marriage is the union of two souls. Not two body parts.
Fast forward to now, there are many among us who, not having learned a thing from history, would stand in that doorway to prevent same-sex couples from walking down the aisle. Some of them are even running for president.
Just a few years ago, it probably wouldn't have even crossed the mind of the marketing folks at JC Penney to use an openly gay woman as their spokesperson. The political fallout would have been suicide for any middle-American C.E.O., and it would've been understandable if the company bowed to political pressure. But, just as social media can do some pretty bad things, it can also make known the general conscience of a nation. And the conscience of our nation says, "The right of gay and lesbian Americans to be treated equally in the eyes of the law is another issue whose time has come."
Of course, there will always be the haters on their "Mission from God," claiming to have a million mothers up in arms over what they did, and threatening to spend the rest of their days making sure Penney's chief exec., Ron Johnson, and his company, suffers for it. They can shout all they want about gay marriage, about homosexual spokespeople, about queer pets or insects, etc., etc. The fact is, The Times They Are A Changin'. Nonetheless, we still should take a moment and applaud Penney's commander-in-chief, for not so much as blinking in the wake of the political storm created by naming Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson. Heck, everyone should go and buy a pair of socks or a sweater to show their support.
Years from now, when every state in the union has recognized the right of same-sex couples to marry, we, as a nation, will look back and shake our heads at those who, in the name of religion, tried to stop their fellow citizens from living with the same privileges and rights they experience, because of their sexual preference. Just as we marvel at the unfortunate ones who opposed the civil rights passage nearly five decades ago, we will remember, with sadness and bewilderment, all those who preferred to side with the angry, the bitter, the misguided, and the shameful.
What those stubborn individuals on today's conservative right fail to realize is that, for all their protesting, all their lobbying, all their campaigning, all their thinly-disguised bigotry and hatred, in the end, it will ultimately be for naught. Because standing in the way of human progress in this day and age is like a farm house standing in the way of an interstate in 1952. Sooner or later, it's gonna get run over, and I'd hate to be standing there when the dozer comes. A marriage is the union of two souls. Not two body parts.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Will Grannies Be the Only Ones Watching the Grammys?
Let's be honest. Most big time award shows are nothing more than a "Hooray for Us!" celebration, designed simply to reaffirm who's "in the club" and who gets to stay in the club. After all, if you're a corporate cog looking to cross-collateralize your widgets with a hot, young piece of "talent," or a network exec. interested in garnering ratings for your attempt at an eighth generation spin-off of a talent competition, nothing says you won't get fired like a gold phonograph.
The Grammys have long been to music what KFC is to chicken(see Jethro Tull's win for Album of the Year). And, now, with the recent signing of a petition by legions of angry musicians who demand NARAS, the organization behind the annual awards show, reinstate the Latin Jazz category -- and other recently eliminated ethnic groups -- to the ballot, as well as the planned protest outside the Staples Center this Sunday, it's beginning to feel more like Occupy the Grammys than anything else.
For a show that now seems to be entirely dependent on Lady Gaga's outfits for ratings and a mandatory appearance by the Foo Fighters to maintain its 'danger factor,' pissing off tens of thousands of loyal supporters to the point where a class action lawsuit is now underway, doesn't seem like the best way to go. Add to that the refusal of the "Grammy Republican Guard" to release the minutes of its secret meeting in which these eliminations took place, and we could be looking at a musical version of the Arab Spring (Arab Spring Awakening?). Hey, here's a category; Best Revolutionary Action by a Growing Group of Disenfranchised Artists. "... And, the winner is, Molly Hatchet!"
The Grammys are the largest non-profit organization in the U.S. and, like any non-profit, any of its members are entitled to read the minutes of any meeting upon request, but, according to nominee pianist/composer Mark Levine, who rejected his recent nomination, "For some reason, the repeated requests for the minutes of this particular meeting have been met with nothing but resistance. Thus, the petition and lawsuit, backed by legends such as Bonnie Raitt and Carlos Santana, seems the only way to go."
In N.A.R.A.S.'s defense, when looking at some of the discontinued categories, it appears they got it right (has anyone ever bought a "Pop Instrumental" Album?). However, it took members of the Latino community over seventeen years of lobbying to finally get N.A.R.A.S. to include the Latin Jazz category, so, if nothing else, it certainly seems they could at least make an exception to reinstate this popular genre, as opposed to, say, Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Hawaiian Playing a Blowfish.
If Chris Martin and Rihanna performing their version of Miss Saigon isn't enough to entice you to watch this year's Grammy telecast, keep in mind, each year they manage to come up with one-huge-gaff which makes for hilarious water cooler conversation - e.g., last year, some unknown named Justin Bieber lost the Best New Artist award to a long-established Hispanic, Contemporary Jazz artist by the name of Esperanza Spalding. Even Spalding herself was shocked. This year should prove to be no less exciting, as, in keeping with a condition of his probation, Chris Brown has agreed to perform in handcuffs. Just in case.
The Grammys have long been to music what KFC is to chicken(see Jethro Tull's win for Album of the Year). And, now, with the recent signing of a petition by legions of angry musicians who demand NARAS, the organization behind the annual awards show, reinstate the Latin Jazz category -- and other recently eliminated ethnic groups -- to the ballot, as well as the planned protest outside the Staples Center this Sunday, it's beginning to feel more like Occupy the Grammys than anything else.
For a show that now seems to be entirely dependent on Lady Gaga's outfits for ratings and a mandatory appearance by the Foo Fighters to maintain its 'danger factor,' pissing off tens of thousands of loyal supporters to the point where a class action lawsuit is now underway, doesn't seem like the best way to go. Add to that the refusal of the "Grammy Republican Guard" to release the minutes of its secret meeting in which these eliminations took place, and we could be looking at a musical version of the Arab Spring (Arab Spring Awakening?). Hey, here's a category; Best Revolutionary Action by a Growing Group of Disenfranchised Artists. "... And, the winner is, Molly Hatchet!"
The Grammys are the largest non-profit organization in the U.S. and, like any non-profit, any of its members are entitled to read the minutes of any meeting upon request, but, according to nominee pianist/composer Mark Levine, who rejected his recent nomination, "For some reason, the repeated requests for the minutes of this particular meeting have been met with nothing but resistance. Thus, the petition and lawsuit, backed by legends such as Bonnie Raitt and Carlos Santana, seems the only way to go."
In N.A.R.A.S.'s defense, when looking at some of the discontinued categories, it appears they got it right (has anyone ever bought a "Pop Instrumental" Album?). However, it took members of the Latino community over seventeen years of lobbying to finally get N.A.R.A.S. to include the Latin Jazz category, so, if nothing else, it certainly seems they could at least make an exception to reinstate this popular genre, as opposed to, say, Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Hawaiian Playing a Blowfish.
If Chris Martin and Rihanna performing their version of Miss Saigon isn't enough to entice you to watch this year's Grammy telecast, keep in mind, each year they manage to come up with one-huge-gaff which makes for hilarious water cooler conversation - e.g., last year, some unknown named Justin Bieber lost the Best New Artist award to a long-established Hispanic, Contemporary Jazz artist by the name of Esperanza Spalding. Even Spalding herself was shocked. This year should prove to be no less exciting, as, in keeping with a condition of his probation, Chris Brown has agreed to perform in handcuffs. Just in case.
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